Labyrinth Busker Journal - Brian Robert Pearce
BACK TO HOMEPAGE
HOME IS EMOTIONAL FULFILLMENT
(The "Tortoise and the Hare" busker diary)
Read now


OTHER BOOKS
See foot of page for validation success link
Brian Pearce busked the streets and bars of Europe between the years 1994 and 2000. In addition he busked in New York while participating in the TIGHTROPE musical, a play written by Ken Post [ with Bonnie Burns].
The journal exists, at present, as approx. 750,000 hand written words formatted in about 55 segments

Valid HTML 4.01 Transitional

Google
 
Welcome!
The whole of the 'Tortoise and Hare' book can be read on this page.
Got feedback? Want info?



Starting gun


CHAPTER ONE
The Swiss 'Sword in the stone' adventure could be counted as a moral success, but it was a defeat financially. Nonetheless I was back in Antwerp and able to supply the blood sample my brother needed to take to England in a hopeful bid to save my ailing sister (Leukaemia). There seemed nothing barring a swift return to Switzerland, until a sudden encounter with Kat develops into a game of Chess.

Content headlines within Chapter One:
Tarot Questions
Hate me, miss me
Short chat!!!
Emotion is good! No?
Emotional chess




Chapter Links:
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Other online books from the busker diary
Homepage
Take me to the top of this page























Some of my sites:
www.brianpearce.com
www.buskerbrian.com
www.leddrain.com
www.leddrain.net
Homepage
Leddrain
Contact me
Music and photos
Music and lyrics
Other buskers
Asperger's
Universe Theories
Philosophy
Blog (Tripod)
Family Photos
Genealogy

COMPLETE ONLINE JOURNAL SEGMENTS:
Lone Wolf
Green Busker
Tortoise & Hare
New Clear Winter
Monster in NY
Things we must do


My flash sites are:
Moonsite
Leddrain
Asperger's
Hypnotherapy

I hope you enjoy the experience of the Labyrinth Busker Journal

Labyrinth Busker Journal

29/07/96 - Mon - Antwerp (Belgium) - On Saturday evening, my brother finally arrived at the Musiekdoos. The place was empty, however. This time, last year, the Musiekdoos buzzed. Ruana and I were playing there as a duo. Char and Bennie had returned from Spain. You could feel the energy and excitement in the Musiekdoos. Within two days...Ruana and I would be in Balazuc - and only once more (in late October) would our duo be heard in Antwerp. The 'family' would take a strange bouncing road through Europe throughout that Summer.
I spent Saturday night round Vera's, sleeping in Liam's room - and the Sunday afternoon I had about half a pint of blood extracted for the tests in England. I felt a little light headed after that - and a Guinness at the An Sibhin (the 7th Irish bar in Antwerp) contributed to an even lighter feeling. Vera was working the bar there, and this was the first I had seen of her since coming back.
My brother (Mike) caught the 6pm train back to England and I slept for awhile before heading out late to play the Groen Platz. It was not full, but it was good energy - almost everyone gave something. A girl on the terrace bought me a drink. She would have offered her apartment to stay, but she didn't think her 'boyfriend would understand'. No...probably not! She was beautiful, without a doubt.
I made my way to Pierre's, and it was there that I slept the night. Today, I took my rucksack to the launderette and washed my clothes. I was hoping to catch Trina or Gerhard in, but there was no answer - so I'm stuck with a rucksack in the Cafe Centrum. Maybe I can drop it off at the Musiekdoos later? Maybe I can just head south again! I'm basically ready to go. I just feel I haven't updated myself enough with everyone here yet.

Tarot Questions
Where is Kat?
Checking the Pater's, I discovered Kat had 'left the job' two months ago. In fact, within a week or so after I'd left for Aachen with Norman. She's still in her apartment, but I don't know where that is. So...will I see her? I don't know!
As for Ruana, I didn't get a phone call from her yesterday at Vera's. I tried phoning her in the evening, but I got her mother saying Ruana had gone to the Sfinks Festival. The summary is: she didn't phone, although she may have phoned and someone had answered who didn't know I was there...or WOULD be there. I took Ge-Ge's dog 'Luney', or whatever, for a walk with Tanya, and her dog 'Melanie'. I asked Mike to cover the phone, but....
My idea is she never phoned, which, of course, is another question answered. But the Tarot was available at Vera's, so I asked:-
What is Ruana's intention to me?     Answer: XV111 Strength (the 'family' card)
Her most major fear about me?        Answer:  Page of Pentacles
My wisest course of action to Ruana now?   Answer: Ace of Pentacles
Triptolytus was an ordinary boy who saw Persephone (the Priestess) abducted by Hades...disappearing into a hole in the ground into the realm of Hades. For the purpose of the abduction, Hades rode a chariot.
Who am I at present?    Answer: XX1 Priestess...and V111 Magician.

A 'White Sheep' fear of 'Black Sheep' on inner levels? What is a mere hobby may become a vocation, given time...states the Page of Pentacles, but care and patience would be needed. The Ace implies availability of new raw energy for a creative project.
But, in all, this tells me that Ruana is a relic of my past (for the moment). I must concentrate on other fields. The energy I store for Ruana may be better put into more fruitful areas. Ruana will come, or she won't - I feel I have no control of this anymore. It is a futile thing trying to re-construct what has been. She still values the 'family', it would seem. That, I suppose, is better than nothing, which is basically the interaction level there is between us at this point. So...another question answered.
Also, there seems little, or nothing, that needs to be said between Char and I at this point. Antwerp is merely limbo for me, so I'm basically free to travel back to Switzerland. I think I'll do this tomorrow. It is nice to be back in Antwerp, but there is an emptiness about it all. Nothing is greatly happening for me personally. The atmosphere is tepid and clouds block the sun most of the time, despite it being dry and comfortable with temperature. The question I ask is:
Where is Home?

31/07/96 - Weds - Antwerp (Belgium) - Ken showed me a leaflet inviting musicians to line a hikers' path near Gstaad in Switzerland. The pay is 100 Swiss francs plus whatever is put into the hat. It is scheduled for August 10/11. A week and a half from now...
"Just send in the leaflet and say you're coming!" said Ken.
Heading out, it was quiet on the terraces. I had to change a five dollar note to put a little money in pocket and get some cigarettes. I met Milligan
and his girlfriend - they were sitting on a terrace in the Hoogstraat. He said Vera had been quite worried about where I was. I guess the matter of my sister (leukaemia) would make this so.
Waiting until the bells stopped at six, I proceeded to play the Cathedral terrace. However sparse it was, I needed money. But, as it turned out, it was quite packed by the end of my set - and I received good applause at my bow and "Dank u well". Reasonable money also....with foreign money, about 700bfr. But 'heavy clouds' move in to block my prospects of playing the Groen Platz and comfortably clearing myself financially for the Taxistop prospect tomorrow. If Fate wishes me to go it will allow me to gather the necessary funds. If not, then I must await the things that must happen...or the knowledge I must gain here. I must trust time and patience to take me where I'm going.

On Kat, the puzzle continues. Gerhard told me the Heartenthieves are playing the Bulle, or whatever it's called. Well..if Kat is going to be there, then she is unlikely to be around at eight o'clock, as she said, for dinner. Or is she?
Well, I'll find out! This is a curious little story for me to stimulate my mind a bit, but I DO feel Kat wishes to speak with me...and, of course, I feel I should speak to her. It is a simple thing really. So it's amusing, in its way, that such a simple thing is hard to manifest.
One possibility is that Sven has been 'hum-harring' Kat, much as Gerhard did. To feel his patch under threat, as he may feel it, could force his hand; maybe even cast aside the 'hum-harring' toward more commitment.....at least, while I'm around. The first thing to do, in this case, would be to ensure any arrangements I make with Kat (or she makes with me) would be subtly spiked. But one thing can lead to another. It could be Irit will be at the Bulle tonight. If Kat is NOT in, then I shall go there (Bulle) also. Gerhard says there will be three hundred people there. An increased chance of some meeting with SOMEONE occurring. I need to catch the thread of Fate quickly if I'm to be released for Switzerland.
There seems to be a pivotal situation with Sven. He clearly associates with both Kat and Irit. In a way, there has also been a sort of bond between Sven and I. I haven't done his birth number - and Kat needs re-doing. I HAVE done Irit and I know the potential there. If I can catch Kat in, maybe I can clear up some patterns occurring around me.

HATE ME, MISS ME
The day has deteriorated to heavy cloud and rain. Feeling tired, I retreated to Gerhard's and slept the afternoon away. Picking up my rucksack, I'm about to have a shower. Whatever spare money I had (about 500bfr) I've given to Gerhard towards the rent, so tonight I am planning to try a couple of bars to get a little brass in pocket. I saw Carlos earlier (Argentinian guitarist). He said he was going to Germany, near Cologne, in the next hour. I was tempted to up and go there with him, but tiredness and the weather deterred me.
As things turned out, I helped Gerhard and his friend shift some of his debris from the old apartment. I must transfer my stuff there to Vera's, or whatever. Having given Gerhard another 500bfr, it left me fairly skint, so I played the not so pleasant Groen Platz. It was the Beiard. There were only three terraces out, but I got 500bfr from it, which meant I could have a drink at the Musiekdoos before playing there. I played all my five most recent songs and Philip's 'Passing it on'. With perfect irony, I gained 300bfr from the twelve or so people who were present there that could be bottled.
So, afterwards, I caught up a little with Everts and Mark Meyers, as Frank arrived to top up my beer supply. I was bubbling a little, but in time I grew tired...and Etienne, mistaking my "Bolleke" for "Porto" leaves me here with a powerful night-cap. I think I'll head home after this and get some sleep. I feel tired. Jeez! My new jeans have got a burn hole in them from a cigarette! Maybe I'm just getting crazy? Or drunk!
Walked awhile with Sven and arrived back at Gerhard's...to see Kat sitting there with him. Guess I couldn't hide my delight. I walked over and gave her a long hug. We talked about Philip and sundry affairs and she eventually left, but she's expecting me to visit her tomorrow. I am expecting myself to visit her tomorrow.
Gerhard says she shares with a girl named Sara, but Kat has already asked her if she minded if I stay there - and Kat has already worked out where I will sleep. I am pleased she is happy to have me stay with her.

Meanwhile, Gerhard has been saying that people have been asking him about me. Those who liked me apparently truly missed me. Even those who 'hate' me miss me, it would appear. They would all sit down and discuss me for the duration of a night, swapping distorted (probably) stories and gossip related to me. It seems the irony of this is that people who actively 'hated' me actively missed me also. It's very strange, but understandable if you think deeply about it. Absence grows fonder - familiarity breeds contempt.
I understand this principle, and use it actively in places like Basle...where I hit for a couple of days, cause a stir, then vanish.
But keenly, I want to speak to Kat - to organise my thoughts - and just to be with her. Guess I already love her a great deal.

SHORT CHAT!!!
30/07/96 - Tues - Today, I have been too busy to either work or visit Kat. I am helping Gerhard move his belongings from our old apartment to Trina's. Vera has agreed to store my belongings in her house somewhere. In terms of money owed to Gerhard, it stands at 20,000bfr. I shall try to have this all cleared up in the coming months, in addition to a Winter nest egg to make this coming Winter a shade easier. Although it's a nice day I'm unlikely to be able to work too much.
In fact, it was a write off day for working. Moving all the furniture out of Dambrugge took until nine. Back at Gerhard's, I was reminded that Kat was expecting me, but when I got to her place I got no answer. Returning back, Gerhard said, "Oh, sometimes they don't hear the bell. Just go through the door and up to the second floor. It may be dark in the corridor. There were two bikes outside?"
"Yeah, there were."
"Sven is probably there."
Ah, hah! Um...I'd told Sven the evening before, in understandable ignorance, that I was seeing Kat today, and probably staying the night there.
Sven and Kat have something going?
"Could I find myself walking in at an inconvenient moment?"
"There is a chance of that, I suppose," said Gerhard, "Sven and Kat did have something together."

OK!...Clued up a shade, I went back to Kat. Whether Sven and Kat are having a relationship is not strictly my present concern. My concern is to talk with Kat to privately analyse what and who she is....and what and who she could be.
My perception of inner patterns and energies drifted into overtime from the moment I entered her apartment. A quiet Kat, sitting inaccessibly in the corner of the room. A Sven, who seemed like a mother hen guarding the nest...albeit as unobtrusively as possible. Sara opened her conversation with me, "So Brian, are you still living with Gerhard?"
Something in her tone rankled, but, "Yes, I have been."
"So...how long do you intend staying here?" continued Sara.
Her tone continued to rankle. I did not answer. Gerhard and Karston arrived...and when (finally) Gerhard, Karston and Sven made to leave, so did I.
Even this was later than when I wanted to leave. As I made to leave the apartment Kat, in a sullen way, complained to me, "Short chat?"
I could only look into her eyes and say, "There will be another day."

EMOTION IS GOOD! NO?
31/07/96 - Weds - I tried the Cathedral to collect a little money together. I was hungry after the work of the day, but it was low energy...or I was.
I met Ken Post down the 'Doos and he signalled the possibility of 'Taxi stop' having a lift to Bern Thursday morning. I'll need to gather 600+ from Wednesday. Craig Ward said that dEUS plan to replace Stef with three other musicians or singers...and effectively adjust their style. Kat, Sara and her boyfriend arrived. I was sitting with Craig, DaveR and Lena. Kat came over and we hugged, while I explained I couldn't think...let alone talk at her place. She returned to sit with Sara at the other end of the bar...and I joined them to be sociable.
Brian "sociable"?
Kat and Sara were then saying I can sleep round their place as much as I wanted, but I told Kat I may be taking the Taxistop Thursday morning...
"So soon?" she asked, "You find Antwerp boring?"
"No! I don't find Antwerp boring! Quite the opposite!"
"But the money is....?" she moved her hands in a derogatory gesture.
"Not necessarily," I answered, " It's just I see Switzerland as somewhere to work and Antwerp somewhere for fun."

Once more, strange behaviours seemed to swarm over this situation. Kat was held in a comforting hug by Sara for a minute or so...and after this Kat said, "Emotion is good! No?"
"It is!" I answered.
I guess maybe there are words in one of my songs to cover this:
Like some Avant Garde movie where I'd come along too late - and I'd missed the beginning, so I couldn't quite relate
Like a Palace Guard...or, possibly, more like chess pieces protecting their King on the corner of a board - thus was my impression of Kat and her friends. I guess I was ill-humoured - I tend to be when I only have 40 odd francs in my pocket and feel a little out of touch (socially) with what's going on around me.
Sven, Karston and Gerhard arrived, played and then some guy joined us...saying to me half understood comments about his songwriting and my songwriting and why not me sing his songs...or vice versa....or write songs together - and why should he pay three musicians to play his songs when one of them doesn't like him....but can he have a cigarette, because he is out of money...?
Maybe it would be interesting to hear what he truly wanted to say, but a Duvel and a heavy accented English, spoke in a quiet, slightly garbled way made it hard to focus any clear resolution of where he was coming from.



Emotional Chess
Dark mood...a tinge of paranoia generally on my surroundings. I picked up my guitar from the stage - I was going. But, despite my confusion, I lingered awhile...somehow feeling the need to project my own defensive energies on such strange behavioural activity.
Kat decided it was time to leave - and outside, I spoke to her,
"Look, you ARE sure you want me to stay? I can stay at Gerhard's?"....this being said in a way that inferred I probably preferred to stay at Gerhard's.
"I'm sorry I didn't speak to you earlier," said Kat, "Tomorrow would be a better time. I still have the food I bought for you, but I need to clear the space for your bed. I need to talk to Sven tonight..."
And vice versa, it would seem. So...my innocent mention of my intention to see Kat to Sven seemed to cause strange re-actions.
Whatever the state of the relationship between Sven and Kat is entirely their business - and not the reason I want to talk to her. Possibly, all the subconscious negativity thrown my way may have deterred someone with no concern for the patterns of Fate. But the resistance, unexpected though it was, makes me think this is an important avenue to be explored in the Labyrinth. For what, and why, I'm not sure! But I am patient - much as I am with Clio in Bern.
If this IS Chess, then I'll play the game a shade while I'm here.
Returning to Gerhard's I met Gerhard on the way and Sven and Kat once more outside the apartment. Upon farewells, Sven phrased his curiously,
"So, Brian! You will go to sleep now? In your room?"
A clucking mother hen? I guess I re-act in ways that confuse people, but what I see in the actions and inner thoughts of those around me is not always reflected by my ouvert behaviour. This cover of ignorance draws out, gradually, elements of truth and true thoughts. Craig Ward and Trina were already at Gerhard's. It was a late night drinking soup and wine. More interweaving patterns became apparent (as the eyes of Craig and Trina shared some history). Craig is involved with 5 bands and one of them play Cartoons Thursday night. It would be interesting to hear them if I'm still here. This, in itself, is 50/50.


Sad mask


CHAPTER TWO

Seemingly driven to
check, or even checkmate, I transfer the lessons onto the puzzle of Ruana. But, with only three hours to go before leaving Antwerp the game proves far from finished. But distraction had left my funds low.

Content headlines within Chapter Two:
Ruana - a burnt bridge?
Muziekdoos in decline
Hungered by no money
Tell me what you want





Chapter Links:
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Other online books from the busker diary
Homepage
Take me to the top of this page
















Some of my sites:
www.brianpearce.com
www.buskerbrian.com
www.leddrain.com
www.leddrain.net
Homepage
Leddrain
Contact me
Music and photos
Music and lyrics
Other buskers
Asperger's
Universe Theories
Philosophy
Blog (Tripod)
Family Photos
Genealogy

COMPLETE ONLINE JOURNAL SEGMENTS:
Lone Wolf
Green Busker
Tortoise & Hare
New Clear Winter
Monster in NY
Things we must do


My flash sites are:
Moonsite
Leddrain
Asperger's
Hypnotherapy

I hope you enjoy the experience of the Labyrinth Busker Journal

RUANA, A BURNT BRIDGE?
Kat was not in...and I went to the Bulle. Gerhard was there, but not Kat. I retraced my way to Kat - not there. So I retreated to Gerhard's apartment - and took the signal to phone Ruana. I got her brother, who said he'll check. He returned quite a time later to say she is very busy with University matters and can I phone tomorrow or another day? The answer came from within me...
"OK! Tell her I wish her luck with University!"
If he passes that on she will know what I mean. It seems she is in love with being a 'white sheep'. This doesn't make a failure for me. A pure 'white sheep' is an identity. So is a 'black sheep'. To be in limbo in between is the worst point. So now I can establish that future interaction between Ruana and I is unlikely. So...to finalize this episode of my life in a satisfactory way, because I DO love her, I must be decisive and 'burn the bridge'. A letter is decisive...
"Hi Ruana! 'Tis Brian here! I hope you have every success with your studies, holidays and life etc.... It was nice to know you - and I'm sorry I'm a little slow and thick skinned at times....a different culture. But I shall not trouble you by phoning anymore. If I'd known it troubled you I would have stopped long ago. Sorry! I could only guess! 'My life is during the day, yours is night'. This is not true! My life is for the moment and the requirements of the moment - within my limitations, of course. For those who wish me in their life, I try to be there - even when I'm not! For those who don't? It is a waste of time and energy for me to consider them important to me. So those who say one thing (and do another)...or do one thing (and say another) can confuse me. But now I've learnt to be slightly amused by it all. As with a friend in another matter. I wanted to speak with her. It seemed she wanted to speak with me. A simple and harmless thing; but hard to achieve.
From your trip to the Ardennes with Bart you have been different. I guess it's hard to defend myself on a phone, especially if I don't know against what I'm defending myself. Gerhard said 'The people who like you REALLY missed you while you were away. Even the people who hated you were saying to me they missed you."
The feeling I have is that you couldn't greatly care less one way or another...and that's fine! You should always go with your feelings and be true to them. You did say, on your Xmas card, 'I'll see you...one of these days'.
You were accurate! You saw me on ONE of the days that have led up to now. But it was nice knowing you and I don't regret it...and I do still love you...but phone calls have limits...as must I. But success...and if Rachel finds you one distant year...I hope you will remember me well. xxxBrian"

This is the only 'burnt bridge' on all the 'family' so far. That there will be others is always likely. Within the letter there is some bitterness, but I should always go with my feelings also. Ruana dealt with her inner 'weaknesses' by maintaining distance outwardly, but never actually letting go.
A path of Fate has been closed for Ruana. I don't know if this is good or bad for her. On a 'white sheep' level she is doing everything perfectly and dutifully. On a 'white sheep' level she will have a respectable life, doing respectable things. She will blend with the 'white' herd. It's just, somehow, I feel she will always have a part of her unfulfilled, whatever her material success.
For me, Ruana gave some great moments - and some great creativity. I don't regret meeting Ruana at all - after all, she is 'family', whatever else I may try to say about her. She has only to say, "Come!" and I'll come, gladly. That's why the letter is not completely perfect. But it clears my thoughts enough to concentrate on other girls. Unless something dramatic happens, the onus is now on Ruana. It doesn't seem likely I will hear from her. She will be too 'busy' for that.
Ken Post has told me we go 4.30am Friday morning to Luzern. The Musiekdoos tonight was strange. Full of people applauding and then having to go. It is no wonder musicians don't bother playing the place overmuch. Compared to the terrace I played earlier, it sucks.



MUZIEKDOOS IN DECLINE

01/08/96 - Thurs - The curious thing about my set in the 'Doos was the very obvious and genuine applause...even people clapping along to "Washington Square". There were maybe a dozen or so people there - and the problem of this new 'Doos position, as opposed to the old, is lack of passers-by. These would have been drawn in steadily. I was playing well, but still ended up with a virtual empty bar, despite people putting money in the hat before leaving. Someone had got the hat from Ettienne and had shoved money in on behalf of a group of five or six. This was after the third song. He then placed the hat by the stage. I guess there was something going on close by.
Strangely, the same thing happened on Friday night. DaveR played then, and I wandered off to play the Cathedral with a view to to warming up for the 'Doos, as a couple of other musicians were booked to play before me. I wandered off and returned to find the place virtually empty. The 'Doos has changed even over the three months of my absence. It doesn't seem to have much in the way of regulars. It doesn't seem to pull in incidental crowds. Those who do show seem to be 'one drink and go'... on their way to some other destination.
There used to be plenty of pretty girls there; now there are few. This time, last year, it was buzzing (as I said). Now it is a ghost bar almost. It is no longer a place to go for testing your songs.
Vera once said Antwerp goes in trends and patterns. All of a sudden the 'Pacific' is THE place - after a period of time, it is not. 'Cartoons' is 'cool' for Thursday night right now - at some point it won't be. So what has gone wrong with the Musiekdoos?
For me, personally, it became a place of frienemies, egos and posing imagery. Ettienne once told me he likes the idea that musicians meet ordinary people and talk in a relaxed manner. This has been the basis of the 'Doos. People could go there knowing they will have an opportunity to satisfy their curiosity about the lives of street musicians etc.. Now many of these have gained a certain fame. Therefore, these musicians subconsciously isolate themselves from the ordinary visitor. Instead, they see who's sitting with who - who threatens their image - who hasn't said hello to them.
Pierre said he didn't feel comfortable in the 'Doos last year, with "everyone", it seemed, "looking" at him. I guess I can relate to that. The 'frienemy' assault on me, and others, was sensed by the 'Doos visitors, even if they were only occasional. It warped the atmosphere of the place...to the point where people got confused about whether they should be applauding or not, even though they enjoy the music. I haven't seen Herman yet. He was an ally. Was he hounded out? Everts aside, there is no one attempting to initiate new ideas down there anymore. I' rarely there...as it seems is Herman.
The image merchants are not motivated to endanger their image by playing the 'Doos, because they know image means little once you're on that stage. There is no guarantee the people in there will 'know who you are'. It is just you, your guitar, your voice and your songs...and a neutral audience. If you are 'green' or 'new' they will warmly encourage. If you're not, they will respond or not, feeling your mood or their own - and the better the musician the harder the job is to create re-action.
I have been fairly careful to put in good performances here, as in Basle. It is the next stage. When people see I'm about to play they will be fairly sure I will be playing well. It saves my energy. Word DOES go out on every good show, as it does on every bad show. It is time for Antwerp to hear nothing but good shows from the 'mystery man'. No longer am I always here tomorrow. When I'm in town people will have to catch me them, as in Basle.
Meanwhile, the Taxistop will take Ken and I to Luzern, but it leaves 4.30am tomorrow from central station. So all matters unresolved here must remain that way for the next three weeks (at least).
In the Musiekdoos yesterday, two Swiss girls (Trisha and Faya) showed up, plus two girls from St Gallen. Ken and I have told them where we are most likely to be when we're in Bern. They say they will look for us when they return from their holiday in one and a half weeks.
Now I sit at Vera's, waiting the hour or so until my departure to Luzern. I jammed awhile with Gerhard, and he did a rough recording of "Will u sleep". Trina is going to Germany - it seems fairly permanently.
"Maybe we'll meet some time in Bern?" said she.
The way different worlds can collide in the busker's experience means it would not strike me as unusual to see her there.

HUNGERED BY NO MONEY
The terraces were empty, aside from a sparse Groen Platz. I played that for three or four hundred bfr, but I needed seven for the Taxistop. I picked up my rucksack from Gerhard's place and handed back the keys.....then made my way to the Groen Platz and Cafe Centrum. At some point, I got called into the Pelikaan bar. Busker Mick (sadly he died from throat cancer in 2000) bought me a drink, as did another guy who walked in...so I had to have a Kip Curry Smos to soak that up a little. I still needed to play for my Taxistop money. I returned to a Groen Platz with three remaining terraces out, but with enough people to play them. It got me another three hundred. After what I'd spent, I counted up 600 - so on to the 'Doos. The 'Doos was playable - just. But though there weren't many people I got three 50bfr coins. So, after another drink, I found myself with 750. OK for Taxistop! But that's all.
It's a strange thing that when you realise you have no spare money for food...you begin to feel hungry. The prospect was that I would go penniless into Luzern....hungry and out of cigarettes, or the chance of a drink.
Ah well! This is the problem with 'black sheep' life. I made my way to Cartoons to catch Craig's band playing.

TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!
When I arrived there, I saw Kat sitting outside the place with her back to a garage door. I knelt down to where she was sitting....
"You should just walk in!" she said.
"You were there?"
"Yes! I was there! Ringing the bell is not enough! You should just go through the door and up the stairs!"
"I'm sorry!"and I WAS, "You made food for me...and I wasn't there?
She nodded, "But don't worry, it all got eaten."
"I'm sorry!" and I WAS, "I was there at eight! But Gerhard was saying you were going to the festival at the Bulle...so I rang three times, then thought 'she'll be at the Bulle'....but you weren't! So I returned and tried again."
Kat sighed heavily, "It doesn't matter. I was a little late getting back from my brother's. You can sleep at my place tonight or anytime! Just go there whenever you like!"
I explained about my imminent departure to Luzern.
"You want money?" she asked.
I did! But found it hard to say so. She gave me 500bfr. I truly needed it. It gave some chance of food and reserves, however little.
"You should be more assertive!" she said, "Just tell me what you want! I like it that way."
She smiled.
"I like the way of wild animals," I replied, " Of freedom of the soul. I do not like to tell people what to do." There is, after all, more joy and warmth to be had from someone who freely corresponds with your need or will. But I took the hint - for future reference. "I will pay you back!"
"You do not have to. But, if you wish to, you can pay it this month, this year or five years from now. Only if you feel you can. Maybe you can play me a song! That would be payment enough." Another Smile. There seems unconditional love here - maybe both ways.
So, we talked...of white sheep, black sheep and travel....
"I am still thinking of travelling! But I am nervous about it also."
But I think she will travel, because she is looking to take the Fool's Journey....because she is in my line of Fate.

Home is where love is vibrant and fulfilling. Nowhere is this so for me....only tasks, limbo and slim possibilities. I must cast myself into the hands of Fate to find who I truly seek to find. Somewhere, there is my 'wife'. If Ruana is an 'Aunt', the position of 'wife' is unfilled. So now, my quests are set:-
a/ to repay Gerhard in full, b/ to prepare a Winter nest, c/ to find my 'wife'.


No parachute freefall


CHAPTER THREE
Arrival in Luzern left me
 reflecting on the final, rapid movements in the game of 'Chess' back in Antwerp. I planned to move fast to catch up with the tortoise, but the weather blocked me - and Ken Post added his name to Kat's as a rescuer. Eventually the weather improves and the hare is able to race. So he does, but can he avoid distraction?


Content headlines within Chapter Three:
Beginning of Chapter Three
Checkmate

Michael, my cousin?
Blue sky v clouds
Secure for gossip
On waterfalls and windfalls







Chapter Links:
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Other online books from the busker diary
Homepage
Take me to the top of this page














Some of my sites:
www.brianpearce.com
www.buskerbrian.com
www.leddrain.com
www.leddrain.net
Homepage
Leddrain
Contact me
Music and photos
Music and lyrics
Other buskers
Asperger's
Universe Theories
Philosophy
Blog (Tripod)
Family Photos
Genealogy

COMPLETE ONLINE JOURNAL SEGMENTS:
Lone Wolf
Green Busker
Tortoise & Hare
New Clear Winter
Monster in NY
Things we must do


My flash sites are:
Moonsite
Leddrain
Asperger's
Hypnotherapy

I hope you enjoy the experience of the Labyrinth Busker Journal

02/08/96 - Fri - Luzern ( Switzerland) - By 12.30pm we were in Luzern. The weather seemed fine, warm and fairly sunny. I pitched up my tent next to Ken, with Geordie Alan and Matt (the bagpipe player) within a stone's throw. Re-orienting is the task of the moment. One moment I'm outside Cartoons, wrapped up in Antwerp matters...while now I'm sitting beside the beautiful lake of Luzern, as a thunderstorm threatens my hopes of a clear run down the terraces tonight. I have 12 sfr left...and I owe almost 30sfr to Ken for the Taxistop. But, although the weather is iffy today, it's expected to be good from Sunday on.
This is Switzerland! Good weather means good money, eventually.
I suppose it was quite amusing, in its way. Michelle's sister saw me at Cartoons last night and exclaimed, "Ah, Brian's back!"
Um.....should I say "but not for long"?  But it's hard to explain my movements, I guess. She warmly gripped my hand and kissed me full on the lips. It is nice to feel missed by so many people.
The tent, ol' busker Danny gave me last year, is now up. How waterproof it is I will know very soon.

CHECKMATE?
As my mind shifts, I found the situation with Kat so turned round last night that it has been hard to re-adjust the patterns....including the ones that involve Ruana. The letter to Ruana (unsent) was inspired by my perception of Kat and the events affecting me. These proved very much unaligned,
although the 'Sven' factor is definitely there. It was interesting to see his subconscious movements outside Cartoons last night.
First, there was just Kat and I sitting against a garage door. After a while, Sven and Gerhard arrived from inside the concert hall. Sven sat on the other side of Kat. Gerhard sat facing us. Sven went to the toilet and Gerhard took Sven's position. On return, Sven found himself in the facing position.
Kat equally had to go to the toilet, or speak with to a girlfriend. Sven placed himself between Gerhard and me, thus blocking my proximity to Kat.
Kat returned...and found herself in the facing position.
I merely moved the guitars out of the way of my left hand side...and she sat there. So Sven and possibly even Gerhard were now distanced from the focal point. So they stood up and talked...and Kat stood up and talked also. I remained sitting. checkmate?..
Altogether, interesting musical chairs. But Fate clearly did not want my meeting with Kat to fully occur just yet.
In three weeks, we will meet. It will be the right time then, because I will seek her out first. But, for now, she is with Gerhard and Sven...and I think they have their own patterns to work out. As with Clio it is patience.
I have the letter to Ruana in an envelope and unsent. Will I send it? I DO have to consider that my perception of intentions and actions are not always correct.

Michael, my cousin?
The moment Ken and I began the walk to the centre (Luzern) the storm loomed imminent. We were eventually trapped in an alcove terrace as the storm delivered its wettest expression. A Swiss guy named Michael started talking to me and bought me a coffee. He seemed to have some inner understanding of the patterns of Fate. He plays piano and would like to write songs with English texts, but his understanding of English is insufficient. Curiously, he spoke of his desire to sing emotional and personal songs, but he fears ridicule from friends should he do so. I told him of the very real enmity and animosity of people who seek to ridicule me. But it doesn't stop me playing songs my way - with emotion. Maybe this is all he needed to hear from me. If he co-incidentally comes my way again, then I'll check birth dates - and only then.
When Ken showed up, I introduced him, but Michael introduced himself as my 'cousin', as a light jest. But, inside, I felt a sense of possible and accidental half truth.

What I need right now is money, but it pours with rain and I'm on the camp site with maybe 7sfr. Obviously (tonight) I am free for social matters, if there are any on this camping site.....but the moment I can work, then I shall! This is my present priority: to pull together financial reserves.
As for Michael, I may never see him again. I also didn't see Irit on my sojourn to Antwerp. Sven said that she will be in Germany for a month and then back to Antwerp. The dates are imprecise, but Fate did not feel the need for me to meet her, though I know the time is likely to come....

BLUE SKY v CLOUDS
03/08/96 - Sat - A disastrous first day in Luzern yesterday leaves me with the wreckage of its aftermath today. It wasn't possible to work, so I have just over 1sfr left. The tent had to take hours of barrage from the rain and water leaked through on one side of it, but most of the tent floor remained dry. I had to ensure I slept within the dry area. This morning, a soak up with a towel has absorbed most of the water. It would help to have sunshine now to help dry the tent walls, but today is likely to be unsettled weather also. It is tomorrow that the better weather starts.
Well, it's Saturday....it may be possible to get some money together, but it's likely to be a struggle until warm, sunny weather returns. The frustration is I haven't the money for a coffee, although I still have a fair number of cigarettes. If this was Bern I could probably get a little money together as long as there are dry spells...as there is now....but Luzern is a bit more awkward for day time work. Probably Antwerp was warm and sunny yesterday.
I guess I'm in a difficult situation right now. Quite as difficult as not being able to afford breakfast, coffee or a shower is unusual for Switzerland, but if I haven't had the time or chance to play a single terrace...it becomes more understandable.

Right now, I'm sitting in a Co-op restaurant in Luzern. It is fortunate Ken Post is here with me. I owe him the Taxistop money, plus 10sfr he lent me this morning. Slowly, the weather is clearing...a little sunshine at times and holding dry. I'm psyching myself to play my first terrace here on this trip. Once that is done I should be able to move on from there a shade more relaxed. The first thing I'll need is the camping money (10sfr) for tonight. Then, a small cushion and food money, cigarettes etc... Then I'll want to get Ken cleared up. If it holds dry it could be a good day, but I'm feeling the tension of being out of money in a town I've only just arrived in...and where the weather may spike me, if that is its whim. But, as this diary records, it is a familiar situation for me.. at least I have had something to eat and some coffee. There have been times when even these were out of reach.
It is my hope that this 'third time lucky' trip to Switzerland will be the start of a new period, where I don't find myself in this situation either again..or, at least, as often as the first months of this year. But, out the window, heavy clouds once more dominate the sky...and the prospects for the day are 50/50.

Down comes the rain! The alcove terraces are the only prospects right now...and you can't play them until 4.30pm (at least, the one free one). I think some of them are laxer. So, with a penniless patience, I wait for the green light here in Luzern - the weather to clear and the time to be right. Luzern can be a good place when there is good weather, but it is a frustrating place when there is not.
At this time, down comes the rain - and threatening cloud looms unbroken. Will there even be people on these covered terraces? Luzern is a frustrating place. Not versatile enough.
A large patch of blue sky is opening up, as the grey clouds move slowly away. In about five minutes, there will probably be......some bastard bird has just left its excrement on this page, and precisely where I was writing. Everywhere you go, you can find unexpected frienemies!

Mount Pilatus looks spectacular from this bench facing the "old" bridge (burnt down then reconstructed). Confused cotton bud clouds swirl in and out of the isolated mists rising from the mountain forests. Almost maliciously, the cloud seeks a pincer movement on the bold blue patch, but the sun shines through all the same...and gathers in heat. It is an hour to go before 4.30pm - and in a state of aimless boredom I await developments.
No cigarettes, no money...and I wait to play the first terrace, and earn my first money here. The clouds, with adequate resources and re-inforcements, have suppressed the impudent blue sky for the moment, as the Russians suppressed the 'Prague Spring'.  But, like the 'Prague Spring', everywhere will come the Summer. I'm still waiting for mine.
As a quartet close by begin their pitch with the 'Blue Danube' (Strauss), I reflect on the "blue" bit.

I played some of the river terraces; my voice far from loosened up, my guitar musty from the damp night it had. I scrambled up 30sfr and bought some cigarettes...and lost valuable time once more with the unique Luzern sport "Hunt the kebab shop". I lost! I had to settle for McDonalds, so I'll probably be hungry again in a couple of hours. The weather is very iffy still - and I've got two and a half hours left to pull myself clear...if there are terraces to do that with. Today is just a bare essentials day, by the look of it. I got the camping money; I got cigarette money -now it's time to see if I can add to it.
 

Secure for Gossip
04/08/96 - Sun - I guess I earnt, in total, around 85 - 90 sfr yesterday. The Swiss economy thus kicks in and I've paid Ken 10sfr back that I owed him from yesterday, making it almost 60sfr spent of these earnings...as the camping is paid for tonight and yesterday also. So I have a little under 30sfr left. But, as I said, the camping is paid and, as a bonus, I bought two packets of Chesterfield Lights and a lighter for only 3.60sfr. So, all I need buy is food and drink. I could view the 30sfr as savings from yesterday.
The last two hours of the work shift salvaged the day a little, as the rain stopped and terraces filled. I returned somewhat to form as far as playing goes...and on one terrace I got a 10sfr note and a 5sfr coin.
I met an English busker named Dave (nicknamed Dave 5,000 in Luxembourg). He is based in St Gallen and is living with a girlfriend, who is Swiss and named Angela. They gave me their address , which means accommodation should I show up there. They came back with me to the camping last night after we'd been drinking in Mr Pickwick. He has met Nick ( the middle-aged version of Pommie) in Luxembourg. Dave is also a bass guitarist and plays in a couple of groups.
Ken and I have moved to a hired tent. It works out a little less than we've been paying for our own tents. This tent you can stand up in and have plenty of space, even with two people in it.
I phoned Clio, who phoned me back so we could talk longer. She is pleased to hear I'm back and she begins a few days vacation on Wednesday, where she will place herself on the Eichhotlz camping in Bern...with partying in mind. She is expecting me there for Wednesday. As for Philip and Alan, they have left Bern for the French part of Switzerland. Who knows where? Clio doesn't!
Alan of Bern, according to Geordie Alan, apparently did get back with his wife, and apparently "beat her up again". As I suspected, Alan's problems are insurmountable, because he doesn't give the truly relevant facts. But then, what is the truth? I don't like to hear of people who feel they can appease their inner confusions with outward physical abuse. Nor do I feel inclined to help someone do such a thing again. In this light, the wife is perfectly right in seeking separation - it would be my advice to her. People must realize they should not view other people as a punch bag, merely because they are physically weaker. I refer to the 'Liberian prisoner' reasoning.

On Waterfalls and Windfalls
This afternoon, Ken and I went hiking into the hills...until we found a spot overlooking the lake...and where the silence was striking. We exchanged a few songs and generally relaxed. We found the waterfall/s Ken said his friend had seen, although the camp site workers had known nothing of it.
This may be sounding more like a diary at present, but when nothing of immediate emotional importance is around there is only the visual experience of nature...and the gossip and encounters of the immediate moment to report. Here, in Luzern, I am remote from the 'family' in Bern. Here, in Luzern, I am remote from matters relating to Antwerp, although Ruana still permeates my memories and the wreckage of failed aspirations.

05/08/96 - Mon - The way this Summer is going I am likely to be inclined to head for the milder Mediterranean in late Autumn, because the Summer has been (at best) patchy. Very rare indeed are soft, warm, balmy nights...the sort of night when you sleep without covers and still feel warm. Another month, and Autumn will be edging its way along. Six weeks from there, and Winter will be beginning to dominate the night. From September, Winter must increasingly dominate my thoughts and planning.
But it has not been Winter that has sabotaged me financially this year, or last year. It is the indecisive Spring and the problems of travelling to new places, and adapting to new situations. It is to be hoped the weather will finally come consistently good this month. If not, then maybe I'd better head for Geneva on my next (fourth) stint here - and bounce between the trams, terraces and bars, according to the weather pattern. What the weather does in October is anyone's guess, but should it turn good (like last year) I could do well in Bern and related areas.
Last night, I played two terraces and gained about 30+sfr. It being Sunday, I found it hard to work...because it feels as though it's a day for relaxation here. After this, I caught up with Geordie Alan, Matt (bagpipes), Torfold (a Norwegian busker) and Ken in the bar of the Wilhelm Tell boat restaurant. It appears Alan and Matt are both leaving here on Tuesday. I'm planning to leave on Wednesday morning, as will probably Ken.
The forecast is a bit this, a bit that, over Switzerland at the moment...and Bern is probably more adaptable than Luzern. Very clear, good weather would make Luzern great, but it would need to be very clear, good weather. Saving in Bern may be slower, but it should be more consistent.

On the way back to the camping, Ken and I went into the Casino. Ken had a view to change 10sfr and see what occurred with the slot machines. He pulled up three 'sevens', which is a hundred francs minimum...but to receive this you need to hit the 'bonus' light, which is not too hard. But Ken, suffering a temporary brainstorm, hit the button too quickly and wrong, thus losing what should have been a nice windfall. I put in 8sfr and walked away with 20....today's camping paid!

 
Hanging from pole vault


CHAPTER FOUR
Able to see my
distractedness at first hand, Ken adopts the role of Omphale and berates me for my lack of organisation and focus. Ignoring his advice I plunge into predictable pitfalls, while the tortoise plods on. In stages, the source of my real focus begins to dawn: the search for a soul that is female... and 'home'.



Content headlines within Chapter Four:
Beginning of Chapter Four
Dream

Thwarted
My weak points
Birth numbers riddle
How to swing defence into attack






Chapter Links:
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Other online books from the busker diary
Homepage
Take me to the top of this page












Some of my sites:
www.brianpearce.com
www.buskerbrian.com
www.leddrain.com
www.leddrain.net
Homepage
Leddrain
Contact me
Music and photos
Music and lyrics
Other buskers
Asperger's
Universe Theories
Philosophy
Blog (Tripod)
Family Photos
Genealogy

COMPLETE ONLINE JOURNAL SEGMENTS:
Lone Wolf
Green Busker
Tortoise & Hare
New Clear Winter
Monster in NY
Things we must do


My flash sites are:
Moonsite
Leddrain
Asperger's
Hypnotherapy

I hope you enjoy the experience of the Labyrinth Busker Journal

05/08/96 - Mon - Luzern (Switzerland) - I started today with 40+sfr. I want to be on the hundred, if I can, by the end of it. I will try working the lunch hour, maybe by the lake terraces, to cover the day's expenses. This way, what I earn in the evening would be mostly savings. I can only see if this is possible.
So far, the sun is out. I am in the right frame of mood and motivation for work. So, let's wait and see...
One of the problems of Luzern is the lack of good, cheap eating places. I've taken a chance that the Pizza I've ordered at this place will be filling. Somehow, I doubt it...but it's only ten francs, and I need some energy at this point. My progress round the terraces came to a halt when I was about to play the one which was second from the end along the river. I had played the last one, which was good. I don't know what I've earnt. It just goes into my back pocket. At a guess, about 80 - 90. But, running out of energy halfway through the shift is not good - and it would be handy to have a Manora for a fast turnaround....you know where it is - it's good - and it's fast.
Well, the pizza was hardly filling, but it'll do. I have some bread left (at the camping). Now I'll need to get some work done. I have an hour left - and maybe I'll try a bar...the Magdalena perhaps!?! I'll need to recover the cost of this pizza first. Ken says he's doing great by working the early afternoon. I guess he is. But my problem is my lack of a business mind.

06/08/96 - Tues - I never got properly going again after the pizza. Rain started to threaten. Walking to the lake terraces I heard "Closer to Heaven" - and that could only be one person. By chance, Philip had come here. We teamed up to play a duo on a terrace, however anarchistic, and the rain blanked out any further prospect of work.
It seems that Switzerland is likely to tilt sideways with the weight of buskers who have converged on Luzern. There is me, Ken, Philip, Alan, Bob, Geordie Alan, Zoopy (an American with camcorder etc), Matt (bagpipes), Torfold , plus Angus ( a Scots guy). Angus has just left for Geneva. I plan to hit the trail for Bern tomorrow...so it balances out. The happening in Gstaad has been confirmed, so that's where I'll be this weekend.
I started the day with a little under 70sfr, so if I can break into the hundred for tomorrow that would be handy. The forecast for today is OK'ish, but tomorrow rain is expected. After that, it should be a little better, but Summer is not happening this year. This, of course, is parallel to my general luck this year. I just can not get ahead. This year, the weather has been controlled from Scandinavia and the North Atlantic. There have been few Mediterranean influenced days. But so many buskers makes it more fun socially.

DREAM
Ken reckons I should write down my dream, half remembered, from the night before. I was sleeping on my own in an eerie castle. with the bedroom veranda door opening onto a night landscape of garden and stone path winding slowly down. I felt vulnerable and a little afraid because I suspected the possibility of hauntings or vampires. I felt it would be nice to have company in the room, though I enjoyed my solitude. A girl appeared on a bed next to mine...and I felt improved security, or, at least, a shared danger. The dream seemed to shift to a lot of people being in the room. It was a night for dreams. The last dream I had was of waking up and rustling through my utility bag for a morning change of underwear. Therefore, I was surprised to be woken up when Philip came into the tent at 9am, because I thought I was already awake.

Everything has been spinning by too fast to settle my mind enough to write any new songs, so I had a look at Lieutenant Colonel Mead C. Whorton Jr's "Southern Thoughts". This book of poems and Haiku was sent to me - and I picked it up last week in Antwerp. This was the man who wanted the words to "Beauty and the pain" on a rainy day in Trier, Germany. Yesterday, I had a look at joining two of the poems together, as none of them are especially long. I came up with the basis of a song, so maybe....? 

THWARTED
07/08/96 - Weds - "Ah! Thwarted!" I moaned, as the prospect of a private talk with Clio drifted more into the unlikely. Philip is already gone to Bern. He popped his head in the tent about ten to say so...
"You thwart yourself!" replied Ken.
I was thinking of one thing; Ken was referring to another. But I can not discount Ken's advice as 'his view against mine', because the Tarot  reveals that I need to take on some of Ken's qualities.
First, he has said I should ignore the time restrictions here in Luzern:
"When it's sunny you play, on days when there could be rain! You play, whatever the time! It's the only way to get ahead!"

So yesterday, ignoring this, I started at 5.30pm...and by eight the Heavens opened once more to offer Noah nostalgia. Torfold was also caught out...with his guitar (and no case)..."because it was blue sky" when he left the camp site. We caught the bus back and spent awhile in the cafe close by the camping, where the sound of table football, pool and other activities blended with the constant battering of the rain on the tarpaulin covers of the cafe terrace...
"I'm not going to spend another Winter in Norway or Switzerland," said Torfold, "I've had enough of being cold! I think I'll go to England in October."
Say what? "Um...England is not the warmest place," I observed, "Nor the most attractive. Why not Portugal?"
"Yeah! Jim Druid said it's good there," he answered.
But, of course, we all know Jim spent the whole Winter in Geneva, and is still there - and probably ever will be as long as there's four wheels on his van. Yet it set me thinking that time is running out and Winter will soon be here.

Second, Ken said, "You have to anticipate!"
I suppose I try to anticipate, but it's hard to know what is the best strategy. I anticipated a long spell of settled, sunny weather this Summer. That has not occurred. Heavy clouds and rain have stunted me since March...or cold winds.
Ken, meanwhile, is trying to get a video done. A friend (probably Zoopy) filmed him playing four songs on the 'Blues' podium near the lake terraces...and he is trying to get other shots "when it's sunny." Ken is a businessman - I am not. So maybe this is another quality I need to nurture.

My Weak Points
But....one of the mainsprings of my professional and financial weak points is the confusion of my soul, which seeks fulfillment....and can not.
Home is emotional fulfillment!
It should be noted that my best working period was last October in Bern, when Katrice (the German girl) was there to soothe my spirit every evening. My periods with Ruana and Char were equally fruitful financially, because my mind was concentrated on work at the moments I had free time from meeting them. The confusion of my soul leads to the lack of incentive with my work, quite aside from an uninspired Muse.
In Antwerp, the next stage in matters of the soul was Kat....in Bern, it is Clio. I don't precisely know in what way, but my inner indecisiveness becomes a massive outer indecisiveness. Much as I couldn't move beyond Ruana because of a feeling of the unresolved (or beyond Char)...now I can't move beyond these new questions (Kat, Clio). This time it is 'family' barriers....
Spinning confusion in my soul - spinning confusion in my heart and mind....
Alan was caught in Zurich playing a terrace by the gestapo...
"I was careless. I usually have my wits about me. I was just confused by the separation with my wife."
It is becoming increasingly evident! I need a stable relationship with someone, somewhere....
But where is she? Have I already met her? What, truly, can be done ...when every girl I meet presents a triangular barrier?
My strength is intimacy. This can't be achieved in these sorts of situation. Another severe drawback this year has been my lack of confidence, because of my broken tooth. My optimism that this could be sorted by June was misplaced. Subconsciously, my feeling of self value retreats... 
So many problems!

Birth Numbers Riddle
An analysis of Kat's birth numbers throws up a remarkable pattern.....even more remarkable because it's completely invisible to any swift glance. Let's see if you can immediately see anything:-

 
potential to be unconditionally loved          potential of family concept family
bond concept
ME =
KAT = 6
ME = 5
KAT = 7
potential to unconditionally love Inevitable
Universal
sequence  pattern
ME = KAT = 4
ME = 9
KAT = 8



FIND OUT NOW

WHY NOT SOLVE THIS RIDDLE YOURSELF?
BUT FIRST: note the interpretation of the numerical values above (potential to be etc...)

What does it mean?
It suggests she can balance me perfectly. She can truly help me tackle my weak points in this life. Her numbers balance themselves fairly well, except between six and four. My five balances this. So everything that is possible to balance does so. Between seven and eight....or six and seven...there can be no balancing, because seven and a half and eight and a half are not whole numbers.
Kat could be very significant to me - very important indeed.  It's possible for outside influence to balance me in every direction (bar one).
But Kat has three unbalancable points, two self balanced points and only one point which relies on outside influence...the point between her susceptibilities to unconditional love, and others' susceptibilities, likewise, to her.
What does this mean? I'll let you know one day....!

Now I sit in the common room of Luzern camp site, knowing I must soon leave for Bern...but finding it hard. Torfold plays his guitar lightly, soothingly.
Seeing how this new dissection of birth numbers can relate, it appears that I'm on the mark with Rachel, because Char, Ruana and I jointly balanced the areas where Rachel would need balancing. It was a potential that never happened, but if it had happened the numbers augured well for the outcome, provided the correct balances were applied. All this is speculation and theory, but whereas Ruana, Char and I would need to balance each other before effectively balancing another...Kat exclusively balances me in this method and I balance her where I can. It would take less energy to thus balance another.

How to swing defence into attack
"You never had it so good!"
Or, in the case of Swiss railway...
"They do, and always will, have it so good."
It is a complete monopoly, yet it is possibly the most expensive railway to use in the world. There is no option for the casual traveller but to travel by car or train. No coaches service the cities of Switzerland. Also, they can never have enough counters open for speedy ticket purchase or information. Not that I'm in a hurry right now. My train for Bern doesn't leave until 6.13pm. But Ken is right! Hitch when you can! Ken, after all, has a wealth of experience working Switzerland.
I have three days in Bern to build up some savings...and then to Gstaad for Saturday night. At least a hundred francs should be guaranteed there, so if I can have a hundred saved by Saturday evening (after the train fare to Gstaad) I'll be able to double my money if I play it right.
Playing it right is not my forte.
It's dull, wet and miserable here in Luzern. It may be better tomorrow, but unless it is a sure thing it's best to evacuate. It is too expensive. It eats your money unless you have the equipment to cook your own food. A five hour shift is too long for me on my energy level as it is. I can't truly claim to have eaten the right foods to correctly re-balance the blood level I need. No doubt, necessary vitamins and nutrients have been missing from my diet. Therefore, a period of eating at the Manora may restore my energy level a bit.
I do need to kick myself into gear, but I found (by eight in the evening) I was becoming drained in Luzern. Bern would be better...spreading out the day's workload. It could be argued, "Why not just work, work, work...?" But my performances rely heavily on my enthusiasm and energy.
It could also be I need some inspiration, something less remote than the quests I have to fire me. Like a game of chess....I seek to make a move...I seek to make an assault...but all the opponent pieces are guarded or covered. There is a means of swinging defence into attack, but it needs to be discovered - that one small error the 'opponent' has failed to see or cover. In order to progress on any quest, whether it be directed toward matters in England (my sister's leukaemia), Ireland (my daughter), Belgian (Gerhard, Kat etc) or Switzerland (Clio, Philip), I need to make the move that will open up an unexpected opportunity, thus unbalancing my 'opponent'. The irony is that though the 'family' are capable of being my most powerful chess pieces, they could equally be the spearhead of my 'opponent'.

Female attraction (or distraction)


CHAPTER FIVE
Arrival in Bern, and social matters go
 full beam. Sun, fun, girls and even a little money. Much distraction overtakes me as another game of 'Chess' gets under way as Clio and I make tentative explorations. Not paying enough attention can get a traveller into tricky situations. I arrive in Gstaad, where it is pouring with rain - and I have arrived too late for the accommodation the gig organisors had offered. It was way up on the Wispile, and the last cable car had long gone. Poorly equipped and clothed for the conditions that met me, I faced a difficult night.



Content headlines within Chapter Five:
Will she think of me?
Money, Fun, Sun and Girls
Parallel patterns 'twixt Bern and Antwerp
Ruana sacrifice?
Soul vs Mind conflict
'Family' conflict and onus
Kara: How very un-Swiss!




Chapter Links:
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Other online books from the busker diary
Homepage
Take me to the top of this page










Some of my sites:
www.brianpearce.com
www.buskerbrian.com
www.leddrain.com
www.leddrain.net
Homepage
Leddrain
Contact me
Music and photos
Music and lyrics
Other buskers
Asperger's
Universe Theories
Philosophy
Blog (Tripod)
Family Photos
Genealogy

COMPLETE ONLINE JOURNAL SEGMENTS:
Lone Wolf
Green Busker
Tortoise & Hare
New Clear Winter
Monster in NY
Things we must do


My flash sites are:
Moonsite
Leddrain
Asperger's
Hypnotherapy

I hope you enjoy the experience of the Labyrinth Busker Journal

Will she think of me?
My effort to see if Clio is a step forward or a dead end is subtly thwarted and aided by Philip. This seems a parody of Kat and Sven - even Char and Bennie. The emotional bonds of the 'family' is comforting, but not, by itself, fulfiling....any more than my bond with my true blood family could fulfill.
Unless there is a wife...actively bound to me and putting me first - wanting to be there by my side at every given opportunity. It is this that would instill in me my will to fight...even my true 'will to live'. Kat and Clio are 'carrots' that compel some interest after the vacuum left by Ruana.
When I arrive in Bern it will be one year exactly since the "river saw" Ruana and I play.
Will she think of me? Will she think of what we were one year ago?
I have my doubts. She will probably think how beautiful Italy is...and how amusing the games that can be played with local Italian guys.
All the same, I shall play "Where the river saw us play" on Sunday - for remembrance.
Meanwhile, I walk the line and travel light...and wait for the soul that will be female...and 'home'.


Money, Fun, Sun, Girls
07/08/96 - Weds - Bern (Switzerland) - Back in Bern - and straight to the Manora, and my first decent meal for two weeks. The chaotic diet over that period has probably left its mark.
I have a little under 20 left of the 80sfr I began the day with - and it is not a terrace day...even here. But tomorrow is another day - and a late night shopping one. You can play until ten in the evening then. Weather allowing, it will be Fribourg on Friday, Bern all day Saturday...and on to Gstaad late Saturday evening. The mountains of Gstaad on Sunday - and then... Montreux? Vevey? Back to Bern? Fribourg? So much for planning, let's wait for the reality.
I will soon find out if Clio (and Philip) are at the camp site. I may face pitching up in the dark if I don't shift soon. The little 'busker party' in Luzern has broken up finally. Only Ken and Torfold remain there - and both will probably be gone by the weekend.
Have I stumbled into a little 'busker party' here? I guess it's wait and see.

08/08/96 - Thurs - Stepping off the bus at Ka We De, Philip was there to greet me and nicely volunteer to carry my rucksack. He gave me 40sfr from what he owed me (from the 'sword in the stone' period) and we set off for the bridge. On the bridge by the Tierpark, one of Clio's friends (the small girl with the very large personality) passed by and volunteered to take the tent on her bike. Thus I walked into the camping a good deal lighter.
Greetings were exchanged. Clio and her friend Kara (with the bike and tent) offered a kiss on the lips. Another girl merely offered her cheek for a more formal greeting. You can get a lot of information from greetings.
Philip had booked a cabin and it had two beds. So I paid the tax and offered half for the rental cost, but he wouldn't take it. So Clio, Philip and I almost automatically formed our little wall of fellowship, talking, laughing....
Clio (18) told me of her mother and the contrary emotions both felt toward each other. Maybe a summary might be that old saying, "Can't live with her, can't live without her". In addition, there is her lack of true interaction with her stepfather. This was probably due to Clio's 'jealousy' when she was six and had to share her mother with someone else for the first time. Her actions and subconscious signals at that time were possibly almost automatic, though she would in time accept the intruder as family. But for the stepfather? Her actions and responses would cement the nature of his relationship with her, because an adult is more conditioned to less rapid changes in interaction with others.
But, somehow, I had the impression there was much unsaid... a lot hidden between the lines. It was my impression because I didn't feel we were reaching the crux of what was needed to be reached, but then we were not alone enough to do that.

The lunch hour today produced 35sfr from the Munster and the terrace by the Police station. It's enough for lunch hour, I guess. Got in too late really... two hours may have doubled that.
The afternoon was spent sitting on the grass with Clio, Chantel and Kara - and they have invited me to sleep in their tent tonight. I played Volleyball with Philip and another guy in an anarchistic way.
I didn't get to work until past seven, but the Munster was good - about 38sfr. Progressing on, I played two more terraces... and then I did a duo with Philip on the 'ice cream' and 'red' terraces. We camped it up a bit, as with breaking strings and half known songs we couldn't actually be serious. But we got 13 or so francs each for the effort. So counting up, after a coffee, buying Philip a drink, and a cheese flan, I have around a hundred francs in my pocket.
As I'm staying in the girls' tent tonight, I need only find 6sfr for accommodation costs. I think I can do that! I took the precaution of buying a six pack of lager to help the evening along a little.
So Bern is pretty cool right now..... money, fun, girls and sun. At last! A little taste of what Summer should be. 

Parallel Patterns 'twixt Bern and Antwerp
09/08/96 - Fri - Strange parallel patterns line the stories 'twixt here and Antwerp. The difficulty of falling naturally into conversation with Kat (without Sven, Gerhard, or whomever diluting the mood) re-appeared, in simulation, here yesterday... and basically each time. I don't even know what is supposed to be fulfilled with either Kat or Clio, but I do know they seem the next line of Fate. But it needs time with both to discover the core of the reward, task or point of it all.
Last night sounds pretty good, I guess. Sleeping in a tent with four girls is a basic new experience. But reaching through to Clio... and vice versa...is a slower thing. Yesterday, Sven was replaced by Philip. That is why I think the co-incidence is too much.

Counting up in the Manora, I find I've finished tonight with 145sfr saved; it would have been 150, but I had a cola and a coffee. Gstaad is going to cost me 37sfr by train, so tomorrow is going to be a busy day if I'm to reach my renewed target of 200sfr in Gstaad + the wage for the gig.

10/08/96 - Sat - One useful thing Clio has brought with her is Tarot cards. I noticed Philip seemed naturally adept with them.
But my questions to the cards yesterday were two simple ones:
What does Fate wish me to achieve with Clio?
What does Fate wish me to achieve with Kat?
Kat drew the eight of cups. Clio drew the nine of cups.  
Ruana Sacrifice?
I've woken with a rampantly irritated nose today. It was Chantel's birthday yesterday and my mind struggled for cohesion after a drop or two of wine.
But today, while packing up the gear at the camping (or just after that) I saw the river and caught the mood. It was a year ago since the river saw Ruana and I play. I felt the time was right for nostalgia. So I sat down in the shade with the girls and sang, "Where the river saw us play"...possibly almost to myself. Sure enough, an emotional barrier was broken down as I lived once more amongst the moods and moments of last year.
But, curiously, it is Mead Whorton's poems, which I have reconstructed into a lyric and story pattern, that best summarized the experience that was Ruana and I. "Blue sky days"....I already have the music to it - I just need to learn it.
Nonetheless, the mood of "Where the river" was complete and perfect for my emotional memory. But then I thought...
'Did she feel me?' - I was projecting powerful enough feelings and nostalgia to bring tears to my eyes.
Whether she was in Italy or Antwerp I think she did, because the Tarot gave what seems a very clear answer. At first, I held the cards the wrong way round and drew the Queen of Wands. This is the persona of Ruana (Penelope from the Greek Myths). This does reveal that prospects of interaction may well be likely at some point.
The second card I picked with the pack the right way round. This gave me the 'Hanged Man'. On my first return from Switzerland (to Antwerp) this year, this was the card I drew alongside the nine of cups. At that time I read it as sacrifice of inner fulfillment for outer or safer gains. I still do. But I am patient. I need to be. I shan't hold up my emotional life for Ruana, but I will wait for the right time - even five years. 

Soul v mind Conflict
My mind is dizzy...a shade bewildered... and I'm suffering from a hangover. My soul won entirely the contest of priorities today, with my mind protesting at regular intervals -  images of "You'll be sorry!" floated menacingly in the pools of my conscience - "there is rain for the coming days; you've messed up again on your finances". The soul suppressed all these tainting views and swam gently into apparently trivial, then possibly deeper, avenues of discussion with Clio.....searching patiently for the clues and possibilities she represents. She drew a rough self portrait, gave it to me - it had decorative background and the words 'Have a nice time, Clio'.
Such things I always treasure. A sign of tangible affection on some level. On what level?
I don't know!
Yet another mind game that may lead to a night or two in bed...and that's that?
Subconscious tennis after a brief coming together until, like Ruana and Char, it becomes a stretch of imagination as to what lies dormant...never again likely to erupt unless freak circumstance re-creates perfect conditions?
Or could this be the person with whom I'll see Europe, building shared experiences that will bind us permanently?
At the moment there is nothing, it seems, except some mysterious bond of the soul that has the effect of obstructing my wishes for material recovery.
I should be heading to Gstaad with at least 200sfr. Instead, I have less than 90. But what makes work so difficult is the lack of emotional fulfillment.
The Tarot pointed me straight at Clio.
If nothing else, she can be that very special type of person that gives life extra quality; knowing they're there. But through all this there is a wall that stands between us.
"I just felt I -"~~~~~~~~
An unhelpful ticket collector was vague about where to change trains. At Spiez, I had to make a hasty exit of the train I was on - as it was continuing on to Interlaken, not Zweizimmer (my next change point). Jeez!!!!!
"I just felt I wanted to talk to you. More like I must talk to you," said I to Clio.
"Yeah, it was the same," said Clio, "Chantel was asking me to come back to her place, but I said,'No! I must talk to Brian!'  "
Is this beginning to sound like Antwerp...and Kat?
My soul is taking me on a magical, mystery tour. It demands satisfaction of its needs - and, in convoluting ways, it draws me ...as surely as a dog onto a scent leading its owner. The owner doesn't know what the dog knows, but it will make the dog happy to go there. So the owner follows with curiosity, despite the pressing personal needs the owner may have. Ultimately, the owner (me) is a walking disaster - never likely to pull myself together in the world of White Sheep, because I seek creative fulfillment at a late age. It would be more likely if I was young, brash, developing fast, like Philip. 

'Family' Conflict and Onus
Clio had had problems. She spent awhile in America going to High School. She came back to Bern and within two days she was 'attacked' by some pushy guy. The trauma caused her to leave her mother's appartment and retreat to the 'peace' of the Eichholtz camping. Philip and I arrived a little while after this - and our mutual bond was swift. Naturally, the physical attraction between Clio (18) and Philip (16) was more swift. It may be that they haven't finished their story yet. I don't know!
But it was me she wanted to see on this visit - and Philip who sensed "the energies" between Clio and I. Consciously or not, he tried to always be around whenever I was with Clio, but the friction between Clio and Philip had to be erased. It would not be conducive to encourage, or let continue, the friction to improve my own 'chances'.
So, last night, charged with two glasses of wine, I explained to Clio the patterns that were causing the friction - and she explained the annoyances that ate at her with Philip. From the start, Philip has said he doesn't want a relationship with Clio. Have they had sex or just heavy/light petting?
I don't know! In the end, though, his message is "don't expect anything from me" aside from the friendship or the physical gratification.
This is not a fair offer to a soul in need of fulfillment.
In return, she was looking negatively on things like Philip turning up in Bern on her mother's 50th birthday, without a franc and hoping he can be put up. The mother, wanting a special day, rejected the idea of having a stranger burst in on it. Clio, responding angrily to her mother and feeling the obligation of Philip's plight, went to the camping with Philip. But Clio, possibly through the manipulation of friends and her mother, was led to believe she was being used. This can be an interpretation of the situation, but, as I explained to her, this situation is 'family'.
She should not be angry at Philip arriving when he did, because Philip had no way of knowing it was her mother's birthday, let alone that she would re-act negatively. Possibly, the next day would see her mother's mood quite different.
As for being used? Well, yes...the 'family' use each other. The bond would be pointless if this were not so. Aside from Ruana, everyone in the 'family' knows this and tries not to abuse this 'use'....
"If you needed a hundred francs urgently, both Philip and I would give it to you - even though we've only 150. This we would do for you, because you are special to us. You are family."
The rain sheets down as the storm builds in intensity. I wonder how far I must go to reach the chalet I need in Gstaad!?! If it's kilometres, then I'm in the soup....because I left my rucksack at the camping and I'm likely to get soaked. I'm fighting off (as best I can) a nose infection and a throat infection, acquired last night from the damp dew of the Eichholtz. I sense I could run into bother here. As for playing on a mountain path...?
I hope they have shelter.
I had a view to hitch to Bern after the event. Maybe there is someone I can get a lift from...as Ken planned to arrange? In good weather, the world is free. In bad, the world is tough.
"....are family."
Clio looked in my eyes, staying silent. I couldn't even see her eyes...the night shadowed them with her hair. But I knew she was looking at me. I knew she understood what I was trying to say. More important, I knew she accepted what I said. She knew that, even from her own part, this was the truth.


Kara - how very un-Swiss!
Now I have questions not only of Clio, but also of Kara. Her angelic 'little girl lost' look has sheltered her from 'working, or pulling her weight financially' within the camping 'expedition' and with other things. But when I see her sad I actively feel complete sympathy for her. It seems a crime she should ever be unhappy.
"Yes!" said Clio, " She has got away with that look for 2 years now. But she has made no effort to work! And when we got her to apply for drama school, she forgot to send the application forms on time."
How terrible! How very un-Swiss! How enticing!
How very un-Swiss am I? Turning up on a Saturday night in a mountain village....and then hearing of 'closed' cable cars etc. .....and getting ansaphones when I phone the number on the leaflet....and it pouring down with rain.
How predictable for the astute! How inviting a trap for the distracted mind and the questing soul to crash into such a fix!
What to do? Sleep in a shelter somewhere?
I couldn't afford a hotel here. Besides, I want to see the colour of this employer's money before I spend what's left of mine.
Yes, Brian! You have blown it once more! This rain could last several days! Now what are you going to do? Philip was doing the right thing today.
You weren't! At least, that is how it looks right now.
But an unfulfilled soul is a hard thing to bear.


No parachute in sight


CHAPTER SIX
Worse still, I was suddenly
engulfed by a cold/flu. But a beautiful barmaid came to my rescue and saved me from a desperate night on the street. The tortoise was way ahead, it seemed. But the barmaid's rescue led to me checking out the gig on the Wispile to see if it was still on. It was, and I was racing once more as I hitched back to Bern. But I still had the cold/flu.



Content headlines within Chapter Six:
The Gstaad angelic 'Ruana'
Forlorn Kara
Feutersoey (or something) - a marooned haven
Cable car through the clouds to Wispile surrealism
Hitch to Bern
Who Blows Nose Knows it Goes to the Middle Ear
Danny (Fitzgerald) and his entourage
The Galloping Gaucho







Chapter Links:
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Other online books from the busker diary
Homepage
Take me to the top of this page




Some of my sites:
www.brianpearce.com
www.buskerbrian.com
www.leddrain.com
www.leddrain.net
Homepage
Leddrain
Contact me
Music and photos
Music and lyrics
Other buskers
Asperger's
Universe Theories
Philosophy
Blog (Tripod)
Family Photos
Genealogy

COMPLETE ONLINE JOURNAL SEGMENTS:
Lone Wolf
Green Busker
Tortoise & Hare
New Clear Winter
Monster in NY
Things we must do


My flash sites are:
Moonsite
Leddrain
Asperger's
Hypnotherapy

I hope you enjoy the experience of the Labyrinth Busker Journal

The Gstaad Angelic 'Ruana'
10/08/96 - Sat - Feutersoey, nr.Gstaad (Switzerland) -
As my nose continues to play up I'm sitting in my bedroom in a village a good ten minutes drive from Gstaad, thinking, "Here's another fine mess you've gotten yourself into!"
But, for the moment (and the night), at least it's a comfortable mess.
Finding nothing but rain and bewilderment here in Gstaad (a strange, new place with no definable refuge), I could only go into a bar that doesn't charge the earth.....after all, Gstaad is the upper end of the tourist market. Even the bar I did go in had nothing cheaper than a small beer for 4 and a half sfr....but the beautiful girl behind the bar (with gorgeous 'Ruana'-like eyes) beavered away, much like Ruana would, at my dilemna. There was no way she was going to consider my problem not hers. She phoned here...looked up phone numbers there...sweet talked info about the cheapest accommodation... because the restaurant and the Wispile said, ominously, that the event would be cancelled in the circumstance of rain...which, of course, is exactly what we have - and what we are likely to have tomorrow.
But there is nothing on the leaflet saying, "weather allowing"...other wise I would not be here, miles from anywhere, facing a wet hitch in the morning. Worse, my nose is going to let my voice down. A voice that should be silky smooth in 'balmy' August. Instead it will sound as musty as January.
There are restaurants and bars around here that rarely see a busker in them. They charge high prices. People pay them. What would they put in the hat of a busker playing their bar? It seems tomorrow I may be finding out, because Dany Vollenweider may be as elusive as the Luzern Charlton Hotel chef id this weather continues.
The beaverish beauty at the Victoria bar continued her 'Ruana-like' manipulation of the clientel...and a 'live music' loving guy was commissioned to drive me to this remote village (Feutersoey), where I can have accommodation for 25sfr and a little comfort before the storm breaks upon me tomorrow. The man who drove me bemoaned the lack of live music - this was good. He then helped the negotiations of landlord and guest, who viewed each other with initial distrust. But the money paid and distrust turned to brotherhood, as he showed me my room with sink, mirror, two beds, wood-beamed ceiling and walls, a table with two chairs, personal reading lamps on both beds......even towels. Bed and breakfast in England can be like this, but Switzerland is rare for such a price.
If I didn't feel so wretched, because of my nose and the threat of a cold, I would be confident I could turn this situation around. As it is, I'm in for a hard few days. Switzerland giveth - Switzerland taketh away.
Unfortunately, with the weather as poor as is likely in the coming days, the aggravation of my nose and throat is unlikely to subside. It may possibly deteriorate into full-blown cold or flu. I think that may put me into trouble. The man driving me here said there was snow last Summer...in mid-August!
I have a little under 60sfr left. It may be needed to get me out of here - el pronto. 

Forlorn Kara
As for Kara (as she stood, with her bike, looking forlorn at the hardness of her friends), my heart melted to see this. I wanted to hug her, or cheer her up.....
"Yes, she does that to us! But there are limits," explained Clio. Swiss limits...?
"I'm going to check her persona on the Tarot," said I.
When I did, it was a card which suggested acclaim and achievement. This mystified me, understandably. But then...
"This girl has a lot of talent!" I exclaimed.
"Oh yes," agreed Clio, " She had the main role in a play. She was on the front page of a magazine and in the newspaper last month."
Also, she plays guitar and has a good voice....something I already knew from a meeting with her last month. She is a black sheep through and through. She can't be anything else. I think she will pass my way again - and we are likely to have interaction of some kind.
She was in this play, but, "She wasn't paid anything for it," explained Clio.
Philip, meanwhile, was saying he'll head for Vevey, near Montreaux, and I had planned to meet him there.... but my plans seem to have gone down the heavily worked drains in this erratically patterned thing they call 'Summer' in Switzerland. To think this is Summer - and Winter is still to come...

After several mild Winters in England I considered that being a milkman would not be so bad. Mild Winters are not good for taxi work. Of course, on taking on being a milkman, I went through the harshest Winter for years. The weather does not seem to like me....the biggest frienemy of them all...
so I ask, "Why me?"
And I ask,"Why Clio?"
We've talked, but the crux of our positions has not been reached...yet.

Feutersoey ( or something) - a marooned haven
11/08/96 - Sun - It's nice to wake up in this peaceful room. Looking out the window... the sun is shining... how long for (?) I don't know. How high I am in the mountains (?) I don't know, but there seem peaks within walking distance outside... with captured cloud or mist surrounding them. What time it is (?) I don't know.
My sinus irritation seems to have shifted to the right side of my nose, leaving me a shade cloth-eared.
I can only phone the Wispile restaurant and find out what is and what isn't; I have acquired a distrust of employment here in Switzerland. I don't hold out much hope there will be any hundred franks appearing, but I will head back to Gstaad all the same to find out - and hope hitching is quickly possible from this village (if there is no bus). I suspect they may claim I came 'too late' or something to wriggle out of payment. It depends on what type of mind Dany has... and what kind of situation he has to deal with.
Found a cafe a short walk from the night's bed. This village is called Fontenfoey, or something similar. I see the time is 10.30pm. There is a bus stop, but if there is a bus is questionable. So... I have a coffee... and look to be on the way to being stripped of every franc by this excursion. I guess Philip could say, "I told you so!" - as, no doubt, could Ken Post.
But, in the end, it would prove a sorry thing if event organisers can not be trusted in a land as rich as Switzerland.

The next bus is 11.45.... far too late. I must try hitching. There was a bus (ironically) at 10.11... a mere ten minutes before I left my hotel. I suspect this thing is not meant to happen for me.

Cable car through the clouds to Wispile Surrealism
But, as it turned out, I tried asking at the cable car entrance. The operator said it was still on, despite the rain. He gave me a gratis ticket for the cable car, and up I went to the Wispile restaurant 1900 metres above sea level. Through the clouds, until the valley below became a mysterious, veiled backdrop. In the restaurant itself I was given a room to play in, where people were seated (and eating)....
"Play for 20 minutes, or half an hour," said Dany. Maybe he was just covering himself in case I sounded like a cat in heat, because I played for an hour. There was slight confusion about whether to bottle or not, but I got 17sfr from light bottling.
Now, I've just had the free dinner. This is altogether a strange experience, reminiscent of the surrealism in 'The Prisoner'. There are two people (a couple) dressed up in early century style... with a wind up, miniature wurlitzer type thing. Right now, the man is outside on the terrace singing in operatic style, while the female motivates the 'wurlitzer'. Maybe it's a hurdy gurdy!?!
A string quartet play in the restaurant I played earlier. There is a French girl... a student from Paris... with her face painted. She is very talkative and very attractive. I'm musty headed from my irritated nose. Her name is Louise Bernier.
I didn't have to play anymore and Dany asked me for an address, so he can invite me to next year's event. He then gave me the hundred francs.

Louise wanted me to show her some guitar, so we went to the terrace outside and I played... and she played... a couple of songs. I taught her my chord sequence for "Will u still love me" - the Joni Mitchell song. We talked on, but my nose and ears were pretty musty. She lives in Paris and is studying Art there until the end of the year, when she hopes to move on to a higher course... either in Paris or London. She is half French, half English, but not a fan generally of the French. Maybe she is 17, 18 - around that. She suggested swapping addresses and phone numbers. I gave her Gerhard's address and number, plus Vera's number. Post journal note: I did not have an address, nor phone number, of my own...and thus linkage to either Dany or Louise was distinctly tenuous.
Potential 'family'? I don't know, but I strongly suspect this because she led the way with the conversation... and we liked each other's company.
We descended via the cable car as the sun grew dominant, painting its yellow hue on the scenery above and below. But my ears responded badly to the descent, almost blocking completely. Talking was strange - my ears picked up little as their hearing became a distant thing.
At the bottom, Louise picked up her bike and we walked to the centre of Gstaad, where she showed me a relatively cheap place for coffee. Louise loves 'symbolism' art, but she considers herself no good as a painter. The guitar has her in her early days - she has been playing for only two years, but I think she has an aptitude for it. So, to qualify for the Wispile experience, she painted her face and utilised a clown act. Will she contact me? Will I contact her?
Well... I could try a letter, as she said. She was recommending a place in Normandy (Labou!??!) as being cool to visit. I think I shall follow up the contact, because Fate has introduced us with an easy cameraderie. I must follow all the options presented to me.

Hitch to Bern
Meanwhile, I have almost 160sfr. How to get back to Bern without losing any of it? At the moment, here in Gstaad, it is sunny and dry...there are terraces.... are they playable?
Not greatly. I asked the manageress of one and she said, "Generally not." That told me enough about these terraces. Stuffy. So I decided to attempt to hitch back to Bern. Vevey is out of the question when I am down with a cold.
A short lift to Schonreid - and then a middle-aged lady (surprisingly) gave me a lift to Zweizimmer. I had to wait a little each time, but not that long.
From Zweizimmer, a young couple gave me a lift all the way to Bern station. A two hour stint to go all the way; and I'd saved 37sfr.

Who Blows Nose Knows it Goes to the Middle Ear
Back in Bern and, with my ears singing with agitation, it seemed as though I was floating. But the scenery was absolutely wonderful on the journey back... with sunshine crowning it all. The whole day was an experience, and next year I'll be back (no doubt).
I met the two Irish buskers, which meant prolonged discussion, but I finally reached the station phone and phoned Clio - who tried to phone me back, but my phone jammed. So I called her back. She said Philip is not in Vevey - he is in the Bern Hostel. She also said that everyone is sniffing and snuffling, so it's spread itself around. I told her I'll be on the camping... and as I was about to answer her question as to how long I'll be here, the money ran out. The whole thing reminded me of talking to Ruana on the phone. I had to remind myself that Clio is not Ruana. Is she?
I tried phoning my brother or my sister to get the blood sample results, but neither were in. So I worry that everything is ok with my sister (leukaemia). I have to be aware that something sudden and tragic could occur - and that it would be a body blow to me. If she should get critically bad then I'll need to be in England, whatever the frustration that would mean for me.
Blowing my nose produces all sorts of catalyst re-actions within my ears. I do have to be careful how I blow my nose. It could be the middle ear from where the infection has spread.
But I wonder if Louise and I will cross paths once more. I wonder if Kara will come my way again. 

Danny and his 'entourage'
12/08/96 - Mon - Bern (Switzerland) - "St Maurice? Hell, man, I thought you said St Moritz!"
Like a zombie I made my way to the restaurant terrace; the raw garlic I'd eaten (on Ken Post's advice) the night before had clearly helped, but my nose and chest remained musty...
"St Maurice!?! Where the damn is that now?"
Of course, I recognised the voice as it sank through. It was Danny, the loveable, black father of Swiss buskers. You only have to see him to like him. You only have to say 'hello' and it seems you've been friends all your life.
Walking out of the Manora yesterday, I heard a voice and there was Ken. I hadn't noticed him sitting there. He'd booked a cabin with one of Danny's 'entourage'(lost, wandering Blues and Jazz band) ... and they had a spare bed, so... accommodation sorted. I picked up my rucksack in the morning...erm..now, that is. I told Ken of the beautiful, beaverish barmaid, who determined to herself there was no way I'd be leaving her bar unless I had somewhere to sleep and a lift there.
What I haven't mentioned was that I had a small beer in the bar - being Gstaad, even that was expensive. So, everything arranged for me, I went to pay her for the beer with a 10sfr note - intent on her keeping the change. But she said, "No! That's alright! The beer is ok!"
Truly, a girl in a million. Worse, maybe I'll never see her again.

The Galloping Gaucho
I don't know how my voice will be today. I will try it soon by the river... and just try to play what I can. The forecast looks fairly ok for the week, so maybe my cold will clear up with the sun.
The Eichholtz camping is a bit strange without Clio or Philip around, but I can feel the peace of it. The breeze, a shade cool, rustles the richly leaved trees and the varied hues of green speak of the texture and variety of life.
Yesterday, I ate raw garlic. Today,with the rain blanking out the lunch period, I headed straight for the Manora to investigate another theory. Piles of fruit and some balancing vegetables from the salad counter and the fruit bar. My stomach will have work to do. The theory is that if the stomach is busy dealing with all of this food, then the allergenic responses to the infection/cold will slow down. The production of phlegm will reduce. Then, when the stomach has digested the fruit/vegetables and functions resume, a power pack of vitamins C and D will enter the fray. Emphasis was put on pineapple... this is good for the chest.
I left Ken at the camping with one of Danny's 'entourage', busily trying to wow a couple of French girls from Lyons. These girls, maybe about 18, had been hitching around Europe and, I suspect, looking out for opportunities for a lift back to Lyons or France. After a while you tend to sense the fruitful contacts from the fruitless. Louise is a very good possibility for the future - these girls are not. To them, I suspect guys with transport are worth using to get from A to B. In return, they will offer a sunny smile and the odd compliment. For me, personally, this is fine... because I don't have a car; so there is only me or my songs girls can go for. No doubt, more often my songs. But my songs are me all the same.
A car can not be me - it can only be a car. Money can not be me - it can only be money.
The only thing I have to offer is me or my songs. Both are me. Of course, many may see possibilities within themselves through their encounter with me. But this is also me. I like seeing the possibilities of undeveloped, creative potential within others.
What good does this do me?
Well... whatever good happens to come my way.
In a sense, I feel like the 'Galloping Gaucho' in the Stackridge song.... in rags and tatters, but representing something that touches peoples' souls. By the end of this song, the guys are dressed in imitation of the Galloping Gaucho, except they all wear 'designer' clothes and carry brand new guitars. The Galloping Gaucho simply does what he has always done, but his natural 'persona' has been commercialised. Maybe they laugh at him. Maybe those who knew him respect him. He just remains strangely different, whether people copy or imitate his way, or not.

Singing cowboy


CHAPTER SEVEN
Indifferent weather, illness and lack of focus. I delve into my past and try to pin down the weakness of my psyche, so ably pinpointed by Omphale (Ken). The end result is a vision (biblical type) of immense clarity. After a bit of puzzlement I was able to interpret the vision. It was a manifest Tarot card - and it brought disturbing revelations.




Content headlines within Chapter Seven:
Try to burn the Cold on a cool, Bern night
Clio "down town"
A Geis or Curse
Ken's 'real world' explanation
A startling vision
The Nicotein of experience? Habitual flaws?
The Tarot actively bites me









Chapter Links:
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Other online books from the busker diary
Homepage
Take me to the top of this page













Some of my sites:
www.brianpearce.com
www.buskerbrian.com
www.leddrain.com
www.leddrain.net
Homepage
Leddrain
Contact me
Music and photos
Music and lyrics
Other buskers
Asperger's
Universe Theories
Philosophy
Blog (Tripod)
Family Photos
Genealogy

COMPLETE ONLINE JOURNAL SEGMENTS:
Lone Wolf
Green Busker
Tortoise & Hare
New Clear Winter
Monster in NY
Things we must do


My flash sites are:
Moonsite
Leddrain
Asperger's
Hypnotherapy

I hope you enjoy the experience of the Labyrinth Busker Journal

Try to Burn the Cold on a Cool, Bern Night
12/08/96 - Mon - Bern (Switzerland) - I phoned my brother tonight. My blood is the same as his... not compatible. Another option for my sister's life has closed. They would probably have to extract blood marrow from my sister, purify it, destroy the blood marrow in her body, and re-place the neutralised marrow. I'm no doctor, but I estimate this would be traumatic indeed for my sister - and if all this is necessary, then maybe I should be close by to lend some encouragement and re-assurance. Emotional support can make a difference. I have little here.
Twice, I moved to play the Munster - twice, it began raining the moment I set foot in the place. The third time, after Danny gave me a lift into town, it was too cool and the Munster was empty. My voice is probably not good with the cold taking hold.
"Eat bread! Bread and pasta! They warm the stomach," advised Ken.
So I've eaten bread, but I haven't felt full. But eating bread does have an immediate relief factor. There may be something in the 'cure'. From 160sfr in Gstaad, I'm down to barely over a hundred. Tomorrow I must work to retrieve ground.
With what little small change I had, after phoning my brother, I phoned Clio... but I got her mother who said,"Hold on! I'll get her!" But all I got was a silent phone until the money ran out. So she was probably engaged with something and unable to get to the phone.... I assume.
I chewed over re-phoning, now I have some change...
But what's the point? I feel lousy. She's back at work.
If she feels able to go out she knows my most likely locations - the Manora or the camp site. But she would not be sure of where I am, or what I am doing... so it would be wasted energy seeking me on the off chance. My inclination now is to go to the cabin, read and sleep. It is usually when I am ill that I become more lonely.
Ken had a 'date' with one of the Bern girls we met in Antwerp (Trisha). She brought along another girl, but this other girl was Australian. Australian girls and me are chalk and cheese. End of story.
On a financial level I'm busy getting nowhere. Every time I begin to make headway the weather, or circumstances, block or distract me. It could be that there will be no Summer to speak of this year... and if Autumn continues the negative trend I guess I'm beaten. You can't fight the will of Nature and Fate.... the sort of thing that gives you a cold in August. Three or four days of good weather - three or four days of bad, or indifferent. Yet Winter is six months of bad weather for my business.
So, where is Utopia? Where is Home?
Antwerp is nice, but it doesn't truly support me financially. Switzerland is good money, but seems toward lousy weather. France is warm down south, but the French are the French. Spain, Italy, Germany and Luxembourg do not appeal. Is it then Greece?
It may well be my next step this Winter.
Was it truly optimistic to expect August this far south to be warm and dry? Even hot and dry, with soft, balmy nights...instead of cool, damp nights reminiscent of Autumn?
Meanwhile, I prepare to leave the Manora to face the cool Bern night - and I seek the energy left me by this cold/flu to do so.
Hi Ruana! I expect the weather in Italy is hot - well, here it is like Autumn...love Brian.

Clio "down town"
Re-phoning Clio, I got her step-father, who explained how the phone was accidentally cut off. He spoke with an American accent... well, he is American, I suppose. He said Clio just up and went 'down town' straight away after that. He didn't know where... just 'down town'.
Maybe she thought it was Philip and was going to search him out to tell him I'm here, not in Vevey? Worse, maybe she's heard from Philip and he's in some bother? But really, just heading for the Manora is enough to find me, or the Eichholtz at off-shift times.
Or is it? How easy am I to find?
She hadn't come back after two hours.
Maybe she found Philip? Or maybe she was just visiting someone else? It's all speculation! 
So is my life....

A Geis or Curse?
...Just over 6 years ago I was married. The wedding day should be a great day, but the reality is usually more a mixed bag. One occurrence involved a lady, mentally unbalanced, who appeared at the church in the crowd awaiting the arrival of the bride. This lady was dressed in black shawl and black headscarf...a symbolism of widowhood. The garbled story is that she went into brainstorm when her lover, boyfriend either left her or died....something tragic for her. But she disturbed the atmosphere of the day and was not invited. She was gently, but firmly, shown away by my best man. She was not pleased at this, but she did go... muttering curses as she went.
Three months later, I was a milkman by day, a taxi driver by night. One day on my round a gypsy lady passed my way. She said a curious thing:
"You have a Geis on you."
She sold me two trinkets, one to counteract the Geis, the other probably just for luck. She then made what proved to be way off beam predictions.

The unbalanced, black shawl lady may have half understood abilities within herself to inject, through her psyche, a 'bad luck' Geis. If undefended, it may well create havoc.
The gypsy lady may have better understood abilities within herself to recognise the malice of unbalanced souls, though her power is limited by her consideration of reward in a material sense.
The power of our bodies to act for, and against, others in a psychic way should not be dismissed. Much of my misfortune has been inevitable, but there are strong cases of co-incidental bad luck.
Since this marriage, the family dog has died, but he was old anyway. My father has died, but he was suffering from multiple strokes and a confused mind. My mother has died, but she was suffering from a failing heart. My attempts to save my ailing taxi business were constantly dogged by bad luck, or bad timing, or co-incidental misfortune. So, financially broken and effectively unemployed, my marriage broke up. Now Diana has Leukaemia, and it's always seeming to be the most extreme options she has to face.
All of this could be just the way life goes, but I must prepare myself for any dark Geis upon me... and learn how to defend and defeat it. I believe I have built more and more awareness of my psychic abilities. Whether I have sufficient ability to identify and destroy Geis is open to question.... as is my sanity, talking about what seems rubbish. But I must look into every possibility, including strange ones like this.
It is said that many cultures fear the mentally disturbed. There could be good reason, because the natural abilities of our subconscious are less questioned or corralled by someone whose reasoning is impaired. They can project wildly negative energies, even though they aren't aware they do this (on a mind level).
I do not fear this Geis, or any other, should they exist.... because I know that there is good and bad, light and dark, yes and no. I merely need to learn how to combat such things. I believe I am perfectly capable of dealing with such things by correct inner knowledge and the help of the positive energies of the 'light' and Jesus. I say Jesus not as a dogmatic Christian, but as an acknowledger of what Jesus represents: the force of 'good' - of positive energies - of compassion and unselfish love.

The dark shawled lady may well have been in love, but the taking away of her lover has aroused the dark, negative field of love in her. The belief that "I should have... and if I haven't, neither should anyone". This sort of thing may affect minds in inner or outer ways. The King whose new born baby has died may proclaim that all babies born on that day in his kingdom should be put to the sword....
"I should have...if I haven't, neither should anyone."
To bemoan your misfortunes in life is natural, but to bemoan them in a way that disrupts other peoples' lives... who bear no relationship, and seek none.... is the use of dark, negative energies. To wish everyone, or anyone, the same bad luck as you had (or worse) is equally dark, negative energy.
But...."Judge not, lest you be judged."
This is usually my policy with those who (I feel) badly do me wrong. My usual thought is to refer the matter to a higher power, who will then dispense, or not dispense, justice according to the true situation. So.... I think this may be my first step, should I identify Geis.
Crazy, am I? OK, let's see you walk under the next ladder you see! 

Ken's 'real world' explanation
13/08/96 - Tues - Ken came in at the end of the mystic special, to supply me with the more earthly explanations...
"You bring it on yourself! You don't take your opportunities! When it's sunny, you work! You have to take your opportunities, otherwise you're not even in the race!"
Ken, as the Tarot revealed, is equivalent to the persona of Omphale. Omphale is a lady who uses all her abilities and organisational skills to the hilt, so that even Hercules became reduced in stature, despite his strength. She represents the more earthy view of life... that the body you possess should be treated well and given some satisfaction. Thus, any advice Ken gives me on this trip can not be taken lightly, nor discarded. It has to be severely weighed... and if there is wisdom in it, acted upon. The Tarot is very clear on this. Subconsciously, I am already beginning to understand much of the value of his influence.
As for Geis, well... it's a good exercise for creative thought, but it is unlikely. 

A Startling Vision
All the same, I was able to picture some cliffs, with a perpendicular rod floating in the air just off these cliffs.... and three hands were clutching this rod. But the rod was perfectly able to hold its position and didn't need these three giant hands. There was a sense of femininity about these hands.
But my nose was blocking, breaking the concentration of my vision.... thus was it lost.
My instant thought, upon writing this, is that this image/vision was itself the answer. It was a rod. It was in the air. This is Tarot! The three hands denote the relevant card - the three of rods/swords.
So I checked this against the "Mythic Tarot", and read:
"...some separation or heartbreak has revealed itself. Whatever has happened is in some way necessary, because something is at work which requires such conflict before it can unfold to its creative end. Clytemnestra (wife) has had her revenge, and this revenge was inevitable from the moment Agamemnon (husband) chose his own glory over the life of his daughter. Something set in motion in the past comes to fruition in the 3 of Swords, and the fruit is rarely pleasant. This is the deepest meaning of the curse (geis) in Greek myth: not a spell or bad fate cast by some capricious God, but the inevitable working out of the consequences of human choice over time, which, sooner or later will result in heartbreak or conflict when the bill becomes due."

The separation of my marriage has created in all the three family members a state of heartbreak and conflict, which must be resolved if at all possible. So the influence of Omphale and the dispelling of delusion reveals the bitter path back to my daughter. The 'family' is an important facet of my needs, but it will be some time before they can truly become effective.
Right now, there is only me - but I can reach her. I need the attitude of Omphale and her determination to preserve what is hers. In the end, I need money to retrieve what is lost - and the discipline to work hard when the opportunity is there, as Ken states.
Meanwhile, the rain comes down once more to blank out the lunch hour. Clio has taken some portrait photos of me. She says she will develop them this Wednesday. So, the first stage is clear... a photo, 40sfr and a letter to Ireland. It is not much, but it would re-assure both Rachel and Paula. Rachel needs to know I'm thinking of her - Paula needs money to believe I am thinking of Rachel. 

The 'Nicotein' of Experience? Habitual Flaws?
Talking to Ken last night revealed another puzzling facet of my psyche.... a kind of belief that I can never be happy, nor that those I love will ever be with me truly. It's hard to explain on an outer level, but the best analogy would be 'the tortoise and the hare'. The hare can easily win the race and therefore streaks forward, lingering here and there. The tortoise merely plods on in a single minded way. Thus, the hare, taking too long on his distraction, sees the tortoise alarmingly close to the 'finish' line. In panic, he runs for all he is worth, but the tortoise crosses the line a mere few seconds before the hare. My psyche has got the weakness of thought and action that is inherent in the hare. All the hare had to do was run to the 'finish' line and then indulge in distraction with a free conscience.
So how do I remedy a major flaw in my personality?
To be aware of it is insufficient. I am aware that I am addicted to nicotein - it doesn't mean I can remedy that. Of course, if there were no longer any cigarettes to be had in the world then it would be dealt with. But should they re-appear? Then I would, no doubt, resume the addiction. In the same way, if someone locked me in a room and deprived me of cigarettes for three months, saying it's the only cure, then after the three months I would probably leave that room, go to the first shop, and buy cigarettes.
So, is it that the flaws within our psyche are of an addictive nature? Could it be that conditioning and the nicotein of experience can make us accustomed to needing abuse of a part of our psyche? As smoking is an abuse of a part of our body?
It would appear so.
But how do you 'dry out' a half understood psychological flaw? The only way is to fully understand it, or to be in close relationship with someone who fully understands when it occurs in me. Philip is about the closest to remedying this flaw actively amongst my friends. Ken is the closest to identifying it. Ruana is the closest female to what I need to balance the flaw. In matters of organisational skills in practical terms, my wife was supreme.
I have my strengths...these are obviously not a problem...but my weaknesses are; these need a foil.

The Tarot actively bites me
That a Tarot card should reveal itself within my mind, and in a way I have never seen, reveals an intensifying of my inner abilities....nor could I understand the image/vision until I thought of it this morning. That the card cuts through my delusion, answers my question, and actively bites me, makes this image/vision a true one. On inner levels, it points the way forward... and yet summarises cruelly these last three years, and possibly even before this.
Have I truly put my own glory above that of my daughter?
I refuse to think this is so, but Rachel, my wife and her relatives may well view it this way. Inwardly, I privately and reluctantly admit that I may have done this, despite Rachel being the singlemost important person in my life. My grief at my separation from her has made me shut her out, alongside the guilt that I am not there for her... and should be.
But, like the hare, I meander distractedly... knowing she's there waiting at the 'finish' line...
The tortoise just plods on....
Rescue


CHAPTER EIGHT
I drew ever closer to Clio, but I was ill and in trouble. Poor health and distraction had joined together to put me in a potentially serious situation. No money for food or drink. Barely enough strength to stagger into town. I waited to play a terrace for a basic survival fund, but buskers swarmed. Ken came to the rescue once more with an extremely noble gesture. Restored a little with a decent meal I braved the Munster, delivering an emotional set. Clio came and offered an overnight refuge from the chill of the camping. The hare was in a bad way. The tortoise plods on.




Content headlines within Chapter Eight:
Little Bird
River rushes hastily past
Kara
Clio
A Knight with stiff and weary limbs
Ken Post charges to the rescue
Fever grips my body
A little bird trying to fly and losing height









Chapter Links:
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Other online books from the busker diary
Homepage
Take me to the top of this page










Some of my sites:
www.brianpearce.com
www.buskerbrian.com
www.leddrain.com
www.leddrain.net
Homepage
Leddrain
Contact me
Music and photos
Music and lyrics
Other buskers
Asperger's
Universe Theories
Philosophy
Blog (Tripod)
Family Photos
Genealogy

COMPLETE ONLINE JOURNAL SEGMENTS:
Lone Wolf
Green Busker
Tortoise & Hare
New Clear Winter
Monster in NY
Things we must do


My flash sites are:
Moonsite
Leddrain
Asperger's
Hypnotherapy

I hope you enjoy the experience of the Labyrinth Busker Journal

Hey, little bird - try to spread out your wings one more time   You know it's not so hard to do - it'll help you to survive
And if you're losing height - try to spread out your wings a bit wider     And if you're falling down - I'll be there to ease your pain
And if you need an island - for to rest your wings, seek comfort    Search and you will see - I'll be an island to ease your pain
( excerpts from 'Little Bird' - Ruana/Pearce)

River rushes hastily past
13/08/96 Tues - Bern Camping (Switzerland) - Meanwhile I battle on with Mead Whorton's Words and the song, "Blue sky days". I tried an adjustment of the words to construct at least a subtle, rhyme pattern. But the song is hard to memorise, particularly with the revised words.
The wind is cold for this time of year. I sit in the park with a couple of females - and my mind reels darkly with the revelations of the night and the morning. After a poor start, the sun is more in evidence... and really I should put up Danny's tent. But even the distant companionship that these two females give produces energy and relaxation - side stepping the interdict against healing of body and mind. Calm and serene is my view of the river, but the river rushes hastily past.
Rain and clouds - I'm in the Manora and I've phoned Clio.... she's coming down.
This is great!
Because I always feel down when I'm not well... and it's the time when you want someone with joint empathy to be there. I had a small Lamb Curry and I'll just wait and see if I have anything else to eat. Clio came looking for me this afternoon at the camping or the Hostel, but obviously didn't know where I was because I'd been unable to tell her. She arrived at the Manora and we talked, sharing each other's company until they basically closed the place. My confusion concerning Clio is great indeed, because I have no idea what the pull truly is... only that it is there... and strong.
I (sort of) wanted to just be with her all the time. That there is a strong bond of the soul is evident - but that it extends to physical is open to question. It may never actually reach that, but it may.

Kara
14/08/96 - Weds - Like a miniature parody of Neuchatel (sword in stone period), I now stand awaiting good weather or facing a debt situation in Switzerland. I paid Ken 25sfr for the two nights in cabin 7. Last night, I was in cabin 4 with Danny and his entourage. Today I plan to set up the tent - and once I do I'll need to get well ahead of the camping cost... rather than as I am now (with about 15sfr to my name, or less).
The forecast is for better weather over the second half of this week. I will need to work hard to repair my financial situation. My cold is much better this morning. Danny gave me two aspirins last night and a good night's rest has restored my humours somewhat. There are still heavy clouds blocking the sun, but the wind has died down considerably.
It is demoralising to start from scratch again, but the wheel of Fate demands this. It gave me a chance to talk for a long time with Clio. Her parents go to Scotland for two weeks on Thursday. This may open up further possibilities, or it may not. I'll wait and see.
Yesterday, she 'felt' my need for her during the day, but when she checked at the camping, naturally they had no idea where I was (because I was booked in under Ken's name). She went to the Youth Hostel, but they were negative in even a helpful way. It would have been nice to have spent the day with her (she was ill too and couldn't go to work). If she is still ill today she will meet me at the Manora around two.
Last night, I explained to her (in an abridged way) my turn of thoughts in the previous 24 hours - alongside the story of the tortoise and the rabbit (she was not familiar with the animal name 'hare'). Clio then told me more on Kara...
Kara is much like the rabbit (Clio concluded). I suspect Kara has never been under pressure, because her mother has always been right at the bottom of the slide (or close enough to the swings) to catch her. Even the exams from Primary to High School were circumvented by her mother paying for a private school. Thus, Kara's mind is conditioned to expect others to pick her up if she falls... and to buy the food and drinks she needs.
But, "Oh baby, it's a wild world - it's hard to get by, just upon a smile!"
Kara has a glowing repertoire to stun and entrance her Swiss listeners, but it is limited. Eventually she'll run on re-wind, never truly innovating herself and her mind... just referring back to the script and maybe adding a morsel or two every now and then if it works.
So, if our paths meet and we engage in one to one conversation, my strategy must be to gently navigate the wings of her repertoire and breach the rearguard. She may not like this, but it will not be done with the exasperation her friends reveal.... merely with a neutral, unmenacing curiosity. Because she has talent - enormous talent, but she is stifling it behind her repertoire. It is like performing "Angie" so beautifully people weep. This is fine, but if all you perform is "Angie" it loses its power... and you cheat yourself. 

Clio
Clio drew a 'mother/daughter' sketch for the front of this book. The 'daughter' is Clio holding the only visible hand of her mother. Clio other hand grips onto a sagging rag doll (a surrogate father?).

Contact with Clio has shown me more of the beauty of soul meeting soul. In a dizzy dance our souls are interacting on a level neither the mind, nor body, can fully comprehend. Today, while Clio drew an Arthurian sketch, I felt the souls within us dancing, weaving, loving.
To describe it best would be to say two dog owners meet in the park and talk as friends while the two dogs excitedly greet each other and dance their own dance, entirely unrelated to their owners... although the owners offer their appreciation of the dogs' happiness.
The soul has little conception of the limitations of organic existence. Without the material demands and needs of the human body and mind, the soul would blend timelessly in a state of bliss with another soul that so attracted it. Both Clio and I give our souls a great deal of leeway, and our minds bow to the mysterious pull they exert. Our lives become almost unrealistic, but the true reality (to my mind) is the soul...
No matter what we eat, drink - no matter how punctual or disciplined we are at work - no matter what we try: our bodies of dust and water will disintegrate into dust and water.
Thr true reality (to me) is the soul, unbound, unconstricted and free to display its bond with other souls who complement their peculiar energies. This joy that bonding souls feel does seem wonderful, but it would appear to need the suffering and limitations of organic existence to find out why there is such bonding. Organic life if merely the key to unlock the reality of our true existence. We can speak or sing of it here. We can physically cement it here. We can discover the true limitations of the bond here. Maybe we can discover new possibilities here that, like Kara, we would feel no need to stretch ourselves to reach in our true reality.
In truth, you can say I'm mad. But you can't say, with any true certainty, I'm wrong.
But what there is between Clio and I in our bound reality is confusing. It is the urging of souls that has pulled us together, as I suspected it would. For how long (?) and in what way (?) is open to question, but I love her company.
In reality, she is 18.. I am 42! 24 years! What can that mean?
Within me there is almost disastrous distraction... the tortoise has almost caught up. The hurried, unqualified goodbye as she rushed for her bus tweaks my soul. It is Ruana and I all over again. The dancing of the souls, then the dancing of the minds, and then...
Autumn having touched you and I - coloured leaves scattered beneath a clear blue sky (Mead Whorton Jnr)
Against this would be, ironically, my own words:
Loving you I don't regret - I'd do it all again - and I know I won't forget - the beauty and the pain
We are all richer for our shared experiences. To fear to enter through the gate of interaction is to remain a pauper within the soul. My Fate points directly at Clio (Bern) or Kat (Antwerp). So I follow its line. It may yet prove Philip and Clio for all I know, but still I follow the line. One day, I will know the beauty or the futility of the journey. It is a better thing than never knowing.
Through it all, my soul becomes richer and multi-hued with colour by the tapestry of the 'family', but still there is the completion, the fulfillment, that I feel may well come... and soon. It is a burning desire. But my daughter (Rachel) can represent fulfillment by herself.... so far away.... 

A Knight with stiff and weary limbs
15/08/96 - Thurs - A raggedly, sleepless night; it's hard to adjust to a tent. My whole system seems clogged and I'm only half awake this morning. Within a half hour of getting up I'm reduced to about 5sfr. I paid Danny the money for the night I spent in his cabin, had a couple of coffees, bought some cigarettes, a filled croissant... and here I am. I played the Munster last night for the money I needed to cover all this. I had a view for an early night, but I couldn't sleep; I even heard the bells ring out 3 in the morning. My limbs feel a shade stiff and weary.
I must have a shower to re-charge my energy and refresh me, but the showers here are set to 5 minutes... not too long. Luzern camping gives you longer.
I guess I get confused, but did Clio go down the Manora to find me last night? I have no idea. Rather late, I phoned to check... and her stepfather said she was "Out! Somewhere." But she didn't say she would meet me there; she said she'll be in the dark room with Chantel developing the negatives she picked up yesterday. I can only assume they continued on to spend the evening together, But I felt a stab of panic that maybe she was at the Manora. I wasn't there. I was here on the camp site.
But right now (as in Neuchatel last month for awhile) I owe more for the camping than money I have. I owe 10sfr for last night, against the 5sfr I have. It's not serious just yet, but I need to overtake the tortoise and re-establish a lead today... and then win the race by the end of the weekend after this one; but, after last night, my energy has been stripped away.
Yesterday, Clio drew the collage that is Arthur, Gwendolyn and Merlin at the back of this book. I watched her, in a state of warm companionship, as she drew the whole thing. In the sketch, I stand at a fork in the road that offers two directions - one to the daunting task of the castle, the other following the river for further allies and armoury. The path that follows the river (co-incidentally) takes on the appearance of a sleeping lady.
Well, Brian? Where do you go from here? 

Ken Post charges to the rescue
Down to serious energy drain, aching limbs, with a crushing inability to find the strength to walk, let alone work. The thought that Clio may be in the Manora offers just enough incentive to get me into town.
Without a franc I staggered in, but she wasn't there. Maybe she's got to work today(?). But how can I work? No money to try any remedy. It's luck that Danny is in town... he wandered back to his car and came back with two and a half aspirins... "Take it all!"
So I staggered to the Munster park, lay on the grass, and waited for the fever to begin its sweat out. Ken passed by with some chicken, so I won't completely starve. All I have to drink is Swiss fountain water. But drink I must! My stomach, my diaphragm, my knees, my chest and my head were completely defeated. I saw Mark (from Geneva) earlier; he has had this ailment too.
In procession, musicians float like flies around here today. It will be hard to extract money from hammered terraces, especially in my condition.
But, some of the fever sweated out, I think I feel a shade stronger... but then, I haven't tried standing up yet.
Ken Post appeared on the Munster terrace and swept into his high energy act. Well, there was no way I'll be doing much jumping around.... and it means a further wait before being able to play the terrace myself.
However, Ken came over to me afterwards to say, "That was a benefit concert! Here's 20sfr!"
Danny had hinted he had done this for me. It was a noble gesture, but it also meant I could hardly walk up to play next.
So I staggered to the Manora and had a Greek chicken dish. Now I chew on options, as sweat comes slowly out... hopefully reducing the fever and the energy loss. Whether I'll be able to play this evening depends on my body's response to the cooler evening air. I am considering phoning Clio to see what's happening with her. Has she had this? Or is it a double infection? Has Philip fallen ill where there is no support of any kind?  

Fever grips my body
Clio said,"I'm not sure if I'll be out tonight. I'm expecting a friend... but if they don't show, or whatever, I'll be in the Manora at nine."
If she isn't there I'll head back and sweat this damn thing out completely. Clio thinks being in a tent is not a good idea, but I was not necessarily cold last night - just wracked by an exhausting tension and discomfort (probably the growth of the fever). It is not my wish to be weak in the face of 'family', but Ken has had ample chance to adopt the role of Omphale...and I do not wish to be less than equal in Clio's eyes, but Fate requires otherwise. From this, no doubt, I'll gain some wisdom.
Meanwhile, I chew over the possibility of playing a terrace. Maybe I can manage one (?)... or two(?). Eating was a slow, painful experience mentally, but I managed. Maybe I can manage a terrace(?)...

A little bird trying to fly and losing height
16/08/96 - Fri - No entry.
17/08/96 - Sat - On Thursday night I played the Munster, doing an emotional set. I was almost in tears singing 'Little Bird', because that was what I was... a little bird trying to fly and losing height, relying on the true friendship of other birds who cared deeply enough to assist my flight. It was then that I realised how liked I am around Bern, as the terrace responded to my ailing flight with over 30sfr. Ken and Danny had already been great with their concern.... and, as I ambled tiredly into the Manora (after playing the terrace), I saw Clio was already there...
"I phoned my friend and said I need to see Brian. He needs me!"
Yes, I did.
But I didn't want to be the victim. I refused her offer of staying the night, because I wanted to show it was her I wanted to see, not her appartment. I tried to perk up.. and did, as we talked and talked... but a severe coughing fit saw me rush to the toilet and almost throw up. I knew I shouldn't be in the tent that night.
So I asked, "Does your offer still hold?"
"Of course!"
So she took the 'little bird' back to her place - all pristine clean and ordered, representing an existence I have semi-forgotten.

Souls dance


CHAPTER NINE
Contact with Clio leads to powerful feelings of love... and more: of a 'wife'... of 'home'. Yet all of this is laid into doubt, because there seem to be boundaries that are not being cleared. Disappointment at this leads to a reminder of the race. The tortoise is near the finish line. It seems the hare's distractedness was due to his confusion over which race to run: the material race, or the emotional fulfillment race.





Content headlines within Chapter Nine:
Clio takes the bird home
Alan
Philip
Clio and Kara
A nightmare THIS
"She's eighteen!!! Girls change their minds fast at that age!!!!"
"Home is where I'll find..."







Chapter Links:
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Other online books from the busker diary
Homepage
Take me to the top of this page













Some of my sites:
www.brianpearce.com
www.buskerbrian.com
www.leddrain.com
www.leddrain.net
Homepage
Leddrain
Contact me
Music and photos
Music and lyrics
Other buskers
Asperger's
Universe Theories
Philosophy
Blog (Tripod)
Family Photos
Genealogy

COMPLETE ONLINE JOURNAL SEGMENTS:
Lone Wolf
Green Busker
Tortoise & Hare
New Clear Winter
Monster in NY
Things we must do


My flash sites are:
Moonsite
Leddrain
Asperger's
Hypnotherapy

I hope you enjoy the experience of the Labyrinth Busker Journal

Clio takes the bird home
17/08/96 - Sat -Clio's home, Bern (Switzerland) - Clio gave me a photograph (of me) for Rachel. I'm not a photographic expert, but Ken said (when he saw it the next day), "That's a good photo! You should get a copy for gigs..."
I guess I just don't think professionally very well. I just appreciated the gesture of Clio giving me a photo for Rachel. The only thing I truly want from Clio is her emotional support and affection.
I enjoyed seeing her artwork and... from the top of my head... I decided she is the ideal person to read my earlier diaries. Because she doesn't know the people mentioned, has no affiliation with them and maybe (be it positive or negative) she can see the varying sides of my thought patterns...my strengths, my weaknesses. This idea spun into my head and I acted on it immediately, so it may be a part of the line of Fate.
When you sing a personal song you stand naked in front of the audience. When someone reads your diary you can have small leeway for pretense. The reader may accumulate empathy, contempt or neutrality.... or any shade in between. What will Clio develop?
I slept well that night and felt a lot better the next day. In an illumination of 'Blue Sky Days' we sat on the sun-warmed balcony eating breakfast... talking... sharing the moment. But when I sang 'A subtle spark'..... once more, the thought patterns of the listener were directed obliquely away from the song's original message...
"I must see my father tonight! If he's not busy."
She hasn't seen him for over a year. Their relationship has been strained indeed. On a personal level, her father sounds clueless and fairly empty on a true comprehension of life....but he's her father, and she needs him to be her father because of some inner validation inside her she needs him to acknowledge. My worry is that he is too blind to understand what his daughter truly needs, beyond his 'duty' and 'responsibility' on a material level to ensure a 'perfect daughter'. Perfect being, no doubt, as successful a white sheep as possible.
Looking at her drawings, I feel there is a resentment directed at her mother over the matter of parental access. She is aware she need not feel guilty about things that happened in her childhood - this is good. But, from this, I believe I can see the damage, psychologically, that can occur when a child sees a parent over re-acting (in the child's mind) to a family problem. In this case, 'over re-action' may be the normal mechanism in the white sheep world. It occurs to me that there are other ways of dealing with these sort of problems.
One which springs to mind is simple trust in the child's own awareness. This is hard to explain at this point, without going into detail, so it may best be left to another time.
I tried to build up Clio's confidence in the confrontation she has sought to undertake. I hope she remembers... "This is me. I'm happy with who I am. I am your equal, not your inferior."
I miss her. 

Alan
The beautiful, swirling energies Clio represents, and instills in me, were disrupted in the evening by the self-contained Omphalic Ken and the gloomy, slow re-wind of Alan. It seemed only fair and sensible to let Ken have the tent, while I slept in Alan's appartment, but I was driven mad by the unrelenting, uncoloured, unsolvable riddle of his marriage breakdown. Four hours of it! Until 2.30 in the morning! Even the Manora disturbed my erstwhile tranquility, as Ken and Alan shot negative energies at each other. But, at least I saw Yuko and her boyfriend before that - and I was able to practise my Swiss/German a little. She said she'll see me here again. I think she likes me, so she probably will.
Meanwhile, Alan goes to Neuchatel with his children today, so a question he was asking himself is answered. He does still have access to his children. It is curious how I arrive at crucial points of family situations.

Philip
Like a worrying father, I spoke to Philip on the phone. He was due to phone Alan eleven in the morning. I say 'like a worrying father'; that is not actually true. Outside, I just suggest places in Geneva he can go for meeting people. He says he 'feels' he has to meet someone in Geneva. It is likely that he will, but he may be looking in the wrong places. I told him to try the squat bars....
But he says he's lonely - and then my heart goes out to him, and I become (on an inner level) the 'worrying father'. I feel I should be saying, "Hey, come to Bern." But it would stunt what I seek to achieve here... and prevent what can be achieved by Philip there.... yet inwardly, I don't know whether I'm being strong or selfish. So I have all the symptoms of someone who cares very deeply about another, but also seeks the crucial steps of a personal fulfillment.... but Philip will come here if he so decides. But when he says he's lonely my heart wrenches, because I know all about being lonely on the road - and he's only 16, despite his physical and mental stature.
But his mind is sharp enough to tune into the path of Fate. Even through his emotional isolation he knows he must seek the reins of his kingdom. It will not be easy, but being a King never is. At this point I reflect on the possibility of introducing him to Antwerp on my return there next weekend. It may be time.

Clio and Kara
I phoned Clio from the Manora. She said the diary was "very interesting." This is good, because it means it is readable to someone who hasn't met the people or even has much knowledge of their individual backgrounds. She also said she is meeting Kara this afternoon, and that they will look for me on the terraces.
So I can continue to work without distraction until then... having a break when they find me/ if they find me. I hope they do.
Kara is a matter to puzzle over, but it's hard to chew over her while I'm working.
I played a couple of the Barenplatz terraces, but when a glockenspiel duo opened up I decided to head for the Munster. Playing that was ok, and I went to play the ice cream terrace. I met Alan on the way, with his two children... and Ken a bit later, but not Clio and Kara. I hovered around the Barenplatz with Ken, Danny and his entourage... and it seemed I would miss Clio and Kara completely. But, taking another look down the main Spitalgasse drag, I finally found them.
They had been (I guess predictably) hovering around the market for an hour (which, of course, was where I was not). I'd been playing the Munster etc....
Kara is a sparkling jewel, scatty and maybe like the tinsel on a Xmas tree. She positively glows with radiance and charm. Such a mysterious diamond! Is she part of my task?  She speaks only German, so if she is part of my task I must learn German. I must, anyhow, for Clio...because I feel I need to cement my ties here, and fully understand the quality of German texts. This is hard, not impossible.

A nightmare THIS
Like a nightmare, I had to put up with Alan.....

18/08/96 - Sun - The restoring energies of Clio yesterday were once more disrupted (later) by Alan. Eventually, I just had to explain that I like my mind to think:
THIS   then    THIS    then    THIS    then    THIS   then   THIS   then   THIS

I DON'T like to think:
THIS only

I said, "I can talk over your problem for one night, but not two nights or three nights! Just strip away everything concerning the marriage, your wife and Bob from your mind and see what you have left! What were you doing before you met your wife? Then do the same! Strip away all thoughts of your marriage and see what there is left! Forget your sorrow by helping others deal with their sorrow. Dealing with their sorrow will make it easier to deal with your own."

"She's Eighteen!! Girls change their mind fast at that age!"
19/08/96 - Mon - In a swirling haze of emotional and physical intensity, my soul, mind and heart spin and co-alesce into a united passion. A pasion to fulfill my love with Clio. Our close contact has stirred me so powerfully... in a way I suspected it may ...but so completely (?), so soon(?) is a surprise.
She has been teaching me German - I have given her my diaries to read. The diaries introduce me to her in a way that would come across confused and garbled, were I to explain verbally. She says she already has the 'feel' of knowing Antwerp through reading the diary.
Last night, she missed her bus and (unbeknown) there was no nacht linien bus, so she had to take a Taxi home.
Am I clueless? Was there something I should be saying to invite the next step?
My passion was rousing to physical need by the end of the night. Today, I woke up powerfully aroused. I want her completely! I already know I love her. At this point, our coming together is slow and fragile, but it is my way to be patient..... it's just that now I'm impatient to hug her fully, to make love to her, because this is what it would be from yesterday night.... making love.
Ken is, of course, sceptical about the thing, "Brian! She's eighteen! Girls change their minds fast at that age!"
I guess they do... and I know that... but I wasn't wrong about Char and Ruana on a soul level - merely about the practical obstructions the mind can produce. I am sure on a soul level with Clio already. But I don't know what minds may shape it up to. If I feel there is no response beyond friendship then it is likely I will just pick up the next thread of Fate in search of emotional fulfillment.... because I am fired for physical fulfillment as well. In matters of female/male, true fulfillment requires both.
Emotionally, I am weak when I fall in love, but I know how to deal with the pain of rejection... either outward or implied.... because my love runs thus:
THIS   +    THIS    +    THIS    +    THIS    +      THIS   +   THIS
A 'wife' would need to aim me thus:

THIS
Re-directing the bond in my soul with all girls I love into friendship, or distant acquaintance.
Am I ready to be so tied?
I think it would need someone very special. Clio can be that..... but she is 18, so I do subconsciously beware. But the line of Fate (and the Tarot) points clearly at Clio or Kat. I will seek out all the possibilities there could be with Clio. It's always worth it to try.

"Home is where I'll find..."
FULL STOMACH - EMPTY SOUL

But I am EMPTY STOMACH - FULL SOUL
The terrace by the Police station was predictably unresponsive... but it inspired the line.

I can't believe how the energies drained away to a muted shade of limbo. I was fired up for the progression, but it didn't happen. The signals were awry. Subconsciously I was pushing, while outwardly studying her general behaviour and body signals. They seemed to suggest no. Given that we were in the Munster park taking in the sun (or shade), it may have been too public anyhow for shows of affection. I understand this, but I have not gained much hope that this will build beyond simple friendship.
She has spent a great deal of time binding and designing a cover for my second diary.... and it looks great. I spent much time trying to learn her poem by heart. Usually, everything would be fine... except the lack of physical closeness. If this does not occur, then neither will anything else. It was nice this afternoon, but it's incomplete without the intimacy. Maybe she's hanging on until she's read the diaries - to see how I truly think....
She asked,"So where do you think 'Home' is?"
"Home is where I'll find emotional fulfillment," I answered.
'Home' is where you feel you can say what you like, and what you feel - and where your loved one will do the same. Empathy and love. As with Judy... as (once) I had with my wife. That is 'Home'! And where the woman lives, or chooses to live - that is 'Home'.
My idea was that we could really talk through what there is at present between us. But my grasp of her mood was that it was not a good time... and maybe even distance emerged by the end of the afternoon.
I can only rationalise my re-actions by saying I grew over the top in the morning, levelled out in the afternoon and flattened completely by six. Maybe it's just that we were in public, but I will phone her tomorrow if she's in... and get on with my life. Which, of course, means earning money - and fast, if I'm to get back to Antwerp soon... to prod the other line of Fate, Kat.

On target?

CHAPTER TEN
The tortoise plods over the finish line - the victor. But a tortoise carries his home (shell) with him. A hare needs to find a 'home'. The hare does not feel he has lost the race, because his distraction has led him into a race to find 'home'. 'Home' is emotional fulfillment.




Content headlines within Chapter Ten:
From the Lambs to the Horses goes the little girl
"Why do guys have to take the lead?"
Pissed off
Fribourg
Clio hooked by this diary
Ah well...








Chapter Links
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Other online books from the busker diary
Homepage
Take me to the top of this page


















Some of my sites:
www.brianpearce.com
www.buskerbrian.com
www.leddrain.com
www.leddrain.net
Homepage
Leddrain
Contact me
Music and photos
Music and lyrics
Other buskers
Asperger's
Universe Theories
Philosophy
Blog (Tripod)
Family Photos
Genealogy

COMPLETE ONLINE JOURNAL SEGMENTS:
Lone Wolf
Green Busker
Tortoise & Hare
New Clear Winter
Monster in NY
Things we must do


My flash sites are:
Moonsite
Leddrain
Asperger's
Hypnotherapy

I hope you enjoy the experience of the Labyrinth Busker Journal

From the Lambs to the Horses goes the little girl?
18/08/96 - Sun - Eichholtz, Bern (Switzerland) - So what seems to be the point of this line of Fate (Clio)? I don't know, but any move to draw closer to her (last meeting) resulted in a shifting of her position. To me, that suggests she is not interested physically. What I am seeking is someone who meets me 'all the way'....my 'wife'. It may be that Clio could still be this - waiting for the right time, but hanging on too long (as with Ruana) is not good policy. I shall see how far this friendship can develop, if at all.... but this time with more of an eye for my other tasks.
First, I must build up enough money to cover the camping... then the money for my return to Antwerp. On an inner level, I feel I should look after number one if this latest turn is the actual texture of this 'line of Fate'.... and number one needs money - and lots of it.

I've managed to restore my finances to around 60sfr. That's around the camping mark. Tomorrow, weather allowing, I'll try for genuine savings.
Thinking it over, it took a lengthy period for Ruana or Char and I to get all the way physically active. Where my weakness lies (if it is a weakness) is in my hesitation and lack of assertion.
I do know this!
I also know that, when my confidence is high, I have periods where I break through this barrier.
For this, I need confidence... which is simply not there, after the recent experience of implied rejection in my encounters with females. Even though they may love me a great deal. In consequence, my personality alters when facing intimate situations. I become like a helpless lap dog, waiting for the owner to stroke it.

As for expectations of someone in my position, it is best dealt with by considering the case of a little girl coming to stroke a lamb. She would want the experience of stroking the lamb, but she wouldn't want to necessarily take it home for keeps.... just experience some empathy before moving on to the horses in the next field. (LBJ note: This paragraph is of extreme relevance within the journal. Lamb = unstable relationship; Horse = girlfriend hijacker.)
This is my lot (Fate). Females like to taste briefly the lives of Black Sheep like me, or Philip, but they don't consider it more than a diversion. Of course, and as is especially likely with Philip, if the black sheep becomes an accomplished black sheep (in the view of the white sheep world) then these girls would seek to taste permanently the fruits of that success.
Clio said (on Saturday) that Migros (supermarket) offered free food for everyone in the store. People went crazy, elbows flying, to snatch as much as they could from the Patisserie. This is an occurrence that would never have happened if these people had to pay the full price.
We're right back to, "I've got a car, and I've got a yacht in Norfolk.. please queue at this point."
So it's hard, well nigh impossible (despite all the girls I know), to find the jewel that would be my 'wife'. Ken is right, of course... he lives in the real world: "Don't think about anyone under 22; you're asking for it if you do!"
It's not certain that this thing with Clio is a lost cause, but it is a useful pointer to the potential situation with Kat. Quite aside from that, my potential interactions here in Switzerland would be damaged if Clio and I withdraw from each other... because she is helping me learn Deutsche faster than I would otherwise do. Maybe I should just retreat to England this Autumn... fix that tooth, work and save money for the Spring next year? In the end, I seem to be unable to financially clear myself enough to be able to do anything, except cover the bare expenses of living. It is a good life, but it would be better with sufficient money and/or transport (plus the necessary gigging equipment). Could I get work in England?
I may have to find out.

It seems the strange argument the souls of Clio and I had today (because I'm sure it was that) has tripped my zest and energy for the fight. I was so happy this morning... now I'm dead inside. Playing terraces tonight was hard, because (inside) I felt desolate. But the Munster terrace did restore a little fight in me.... enough to write this.
Bern is very hard for social contact; really there is Clio and Kara only (of interest). Their friends are "here today, gone tomorrow". To spend a Winter here would be a desolate thing indeed on a social plane, unless I was in a clear relationship. I must bear this in mind.
So what of the prospects of a Winter in Greece? With Kat? Probably pie in the sky, because Kat may not wish to take the chance. I feel a shade like someone who is playing Monopoly and has picked up "Do not pass go - do not collect £200".
Something very strange happened today; or was it my irritation with my nose and chest, and Clio's irritation with her headache?
Sometimes, it is as simple as that...at least, in the early days. I still feel unwell. This is the problem of colds/flus etc. They're so hard to clear away... in my case (this year). 

"Why do guys have to take the lead?"
A little sideline to the lack of assertion matter: Kat's comment to me outside Cartoons (Antwerp), "You should tell me what you want."
Reflecting on this, I asked Ken, "Why do girls always want guys to take the lead? Why do they expect us to ask them?"
"Oh, that's easy," replied Ken, "So they can say no!"
Truly sharp answer.
But, on the face of it, that is why I am not assertive.... because I don't like to hear "No!" It makes me feel I am taking advantage. All I end up taking is a nose dive, because it's true: girls like to say "No!"
But they want the option to say "Yes!" - I don't give them that right now. I'm not sure Swiss girls are right for me. If I failed at first base with Clio (with such a powerful pull drawing us) I've no hope on the chance acquaintance.
Conclusion: Bern is for work, not emotional fulfillment. Even Antwerp may fade from my life eventually.
Clio asked, "Where is Home?"
It seems not Bern, not Antwerp, not Bishop's Stortford, not Newbridge... but maybe you'll find my 'home' somewhere between Jupiter and Mars. I guess I am severely disillusioned. 

Pissed off
Ken moved on today... I think back to Luzern. Danny and his entourage have moved to Basle. Clio returns to work tomorrow. Philip is in Geneva, or thereabouts.
For the first time, since my return to Switzerland, I'm in an empty city socially. Even Gstaad proved socially good. I must write Louise.... and an armoury of people.... to say what(?):
"Weather fine/shitty - nice scenery (sometimes). Wish you were here (and I was there). The locals are friendly (sometimes). I work here (in between cocking things up socially). I socialise here (in between cocking things up work-wise). I have obtained a souvenir here. Do you want it (a cold/flu). I will write again soon (next year), when I will put down the same bullshit (but with a different pen).
Yours
Pissed off
Brian"

Tonight it rains... who said the Swiss weather forecast is always right?
It seems Danny and the entourage are still here. They just showed up. I may be moving on if this is a mere glitch in the good weather.

Fribourg
20/08/96 - Tues - Today the sky is clear blue, and it's just past eleven in the morning. Today I must earn money. A simple day... just work. Maybe an excursion to Fribourg would be good tonight, or this afternoon - so I can just work. This would give me the start to the savings plan I need.
Day in, day out, until Sunday... just work! Sunday, or Monday, to Antwerp. Back here at the beginning of September - three weeks work here - then one week in Antwerp.... this is my plan. The cold/flu, emotional distractions and indifferent weather has blunted my plan thus far, but I'm sure the plan can work.
This Summer has proved a disappointment emotionally and materially, but it can be salvaged materially... maybe even emotionally.

I sit on a station platform awaiting the train to Fribourg, bombarded by a constant barrage of 'Swiss mechanical devices'. I've become too insular with my work pattern, mainly through this cold/flu I have. I need the fresh challenge of new terraces and new scenery.... so I sit here, writing this.
I played two songs on the Munster terrace around two, but the manager asked me to stop... because there have been "too many musicians". So it's being hammered, but this is August (buskers proliferate). I collected money from the terrace, despite the short set, explaining my reason for the short set to all who gave. There were a number of people there who are fans of what I do.

Clio hooked by this diary
My plan was a bite at the Manora and then on to Fribourg, but I glanced to the right... and there, waving at me from the same spot on the park where we had sat yesterday, was Clio. I joined her there - and, it seems, she did not notice the subconscious activities of the day before. Guess I am so tuned in to these things that even her headache may confuse me. We sat more in the manner of unison today... and her body signals were not saying no as much. In fact, she accepted closer bodily contact. It was the lack of this that seeded my annoyance yesterday.
I told her of my Greek holidays... and that, in turn, led to me remembering my old song 'In another life'. I sang this to her.
She told me she has reached March 15th in my diary...
"Ah, it's coming up to my gig - the first day of Spring..."
"Don't tell me!!!" she cut in.
Good! She is obviously finding it fairly interesting.
 Clio showed me a list she had made of cheap rooms in Bern. Most of them run to about 400sfr a month, but one is only 280sfr. If I can save 1,000sfr by late October I could secure accommodation for 3 months here. If Clio and I develop it would be nice to be close enough to her.
This 'if' is a way off yet, but Clio gives me a sort of feel that only my wife had once been able to give.... a sense of truly being myself. But not yet.
There is the potential of this, not the reality. Much has to be done before a true, complete bonding may occur. The Tarot is clear: emotional fulfillment. But I wait and see.

Ah, well....
Fribourg was a write off! I arrived... and all went well with the first terrace. It was half full and seemed a nice quiet one to warm up on. By the end, the terrace was full, and the money was good. A few more like that and I'm well ahead. But heading for the Pizzeria... some South Americans were waiting on it. Further up, the the main terrace was equally guarded by South Americans. It seems all the people of Fribourg have to look forward to is South American music. Ah well...
I headed down the road to the smaller terraces, but it was too early for them. Two people on that one... four on this... sigh!
I'll have to wait.
I thought I'd find the Manora, but this Manora is in the Plaschette: a complex of shops, which (of course) was closed and ferme in the evening. Ah well....
I'll go to McDonalds for a cookie and a coffee, and sit outside on the terrace. Clouds, thunder and rain came while I was on there. Ah well....
There was a bar next door. In there for a beer. I was truly pissed off by now. I know one day I'll hit this place at the right time... one day.
I think the place is likely to prove... as I said... a write off. Ah well...
The next diary (segment) is called "Who will risk up the wall" and is not currently online. If you want further info, or just want to pass on feedback, click here.
Other online busker diary books


Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Other online books from the busker diary
Homepage
Take me to the top of this page
Death of Lone Wolf
Two years have passed since the 'Tortoise' period. Once more, Brian is back in Bern... and an amazing soul adventure is in progress. Brian has become 'Lone Wolf' - and his wary interactions with 'Wild Wolf' and her pack lead him into being torn apart... twice. How can someone be whole, if they are not first torn apart? A magical/musical adventure awaits you. Be Lone Wolf, be free as the wind, be able to hunt in the White Sheep world without need to bow to it, be a General mounting a campaign on various fronts... and all because a doll needs to be put together before it can cry.
Things we must do
It is January '96 in Antwerp. The journal begins. Fully laden with the implications of an astonishing year (1995) Brian seeks to reconcile past, present and future into palatable fare. Not an easy task. The remarkable occurrences of 1995 had been compressed into chunky, bite-size morsels of memory - with much richness lost into the ether and ungraspable segments of deep inner memory. Realising this... and then realising that 1996 could prove yet another dramatic year.... then why not keep a journal? So Brian did. Taste the Antwerp music scene. Who is Stef Carlens? Who is Tom Barman? What is Antwerp? WHERE is Antwerp? What is busking? Are the Belgians boring? Ha,ha,ha...that's rich, coming from the infinitely, boring British.
Labyrinth Busker Journal - Brian Robert Pearce
HOMEPAGE
http://validator.w3.org/check?uri=http%3A%2F%2Fbuskerbrian.tripod.com%2Fhome%2FTortoise.html